I don't like feeling unsure of myself. It makes me feel weak and paranoid and puts thoughts in my head that basically amount to "I don't know if I can survive." Yes, when I start to feel insecure, my insecurity gets to THAT point. It feels like everyone else has everything going for them, everything is all good in their world, and they are all looking right through me and seeing all of my flaws that I think make me subhuman. I will die because I am not good enough.
Chances are, everyone has felt this way at some point. There is always something out there in your life that acts as a mirror for you, but instead of reflecting your truth, it reflects your fear. It shows you all the things that are wrong with you. Scary, right? And yet, that mirror not only exists, it is everywhere when we slow down and take the time to understand why we look at the things we look at, in order to judge quality.
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So how do we deal with what I like to call "the insect reflection" (thanks, Buffy)? I think there are several ways to go about it. One way, and this is definitely not for everyone, is to accept that the insect reflection is true. Accept all the things that are wrong with you are true, that there is something wrong with you. It sounds crazy, I know. No one wants to accept that they are an asshole, that they are a petty person, or racist, or disgusting, or are horrible in bed. It makes you feel lower than the lowest low and makes you experience some EXTREME cognitive dissonance, a break between you and the positive way you see yourself. However, once you accept it, then maybe it won't have any power over you. Maybe you can change it, because you've owned it. This IS a maybe, though; it could be that you might not be able to change any of it. However, I like to think that there is some power and "security" in accepting the horrible aspects of yourself, even and especially if you can't change it.
The second way is kind of the opposite of the first: the recognition of what your "insect reflection" is, but rejecting it and building a positive image of what you want to be. You could call this the Scrooge effect. Ebeneezer Scrooge was a horrible, selfish man in "A Christmas Carol" who inflicted blight on everyone he met. However, once he had no choice but to witness and accept his own blight by looking back on his life through the eyes of four spiritual entities, he decided to reject it and build a more positive personality. I can see this being the more "positive" and popular way of dealing with personal fear, insecurity, and flaws. However, this is also not for everyone. Pretending to be right when you are wrong is one of the most pretentious things in the world; you can't just decide to be a saint because you don't like the fact you are an asshole. Not only would your decision to be something more appealing be a complete delusion in terms of truth and security, but you do more harm than good pretending to be something that you're not. On the other hand, maybe for some people, they CAN change who they are if they see that they can be "better." I guess it depends on the purpose, or the person.
The final option to me is subtle and a blend of the first two. Maybe when a person realizes they are flawed, they can see acknowledge it, embrace it, and resolve to do better. Think of it like a person who realizes they like to kill and they like inflicting violence. However, instead of being an angry person, or a serial killer, they join the army and put their character to good use defending their country. Sometimes, we can't change who we are. In fact, I think that is the case a lot of the time. However, who we are, whether it is positive or negative, can be both useful and non-threatening to others when channeled properly. I am sure there are people who would say, "what about the pedophiles? How could their perversion be put to good use? No one wants that." My answer is, I don't know. I am not a pedophile and I can't pretend to know how it could possibly be useful. However, is it a stretch to say that if it is understood, embraced, and channeled toward another direction, that it wouldn't be of some benefit somewhere? Maybe a non-practicing pedophile can make a good comedian. It's a sick and twisted thought, but don't pretend you didn't see the humor in that. Then again, seeing it in that way could be one of our flaws the "insect reflection" is showing us too.
