Pain, pain is so inevitable. Watching someone you know and love in pain is the worse feeling.
Pain is darkness. Pain is not all scars, scrapes and illnesses. It can be within. Have you ever felt the feeling of drowning from within? Have you ever felt like you are not living within your own skin? Pain is the worst when you have to put on a show as if you are okay. I have dealt with this pain. I have dealt with the pain of not knowing which way is up. Let me be honest, losing great nana; it was the hardest day of my life. Now watching Nana struggle has brought all those old bruises back. People look at me and tell me "be strong for her. she needs you more than ever." but what she doesn't know is how much I need her. Trust me, I want to be strong for her and be her strength when she needs me and I am trying my hardest to be that person. However, watching someone who is so vibrant and so loving go through what she is going through, is heart wrenching. The day is gone where she will be her old self. Those are all now just memories; but let me tell you something, she has created moments and memories that will live on forever. She is the heart and soul of our family. The binding that keeps us sane and strong. Someone like her does not deserve to be going through what she is going through. I might not show it, but she is the person who I continue to strive for. I would take back one minute just to let her feel like her old self again, just to make it alright. But it is too late, too late to go back. I must now accept all of the changes that my family has experienced. I must break through the darkness and stand tall for the hard times, stand tall to make every second and every moment worth living for. One that I will be able to tell my grandchildren about. There are days where I can see the darkness I have once felt coming through, but I refuse to surrender to that again.
