A couple weeks ago I wrote an article about Donald Trump, who is contemptible scum, and I started to feel bad for singling him out, so this week I decided to be fair and address every remaining GOP candidate, hoping that they'll read this article, get upset and quit. Let’s begin.

Ben Carson: Unhinged puppet

First things first, why does Ben Carson look like he takes an Ambien before every debate? Have you ever seen a more despondent human being? He stands up at his podium and daydreams for two hours. The photo above is the only image I could find where he doesn't look like he's in a perpetual state of napping, and of course, he looks completely deranged. Half the time I don’t know (or even think he knows) if he’s on the stage, but when he opens his mouth, it’s always an incoherent and memorable blessing. Without question he is the most bizarre of all the candidates running, between his alleged stabbing of his best friend, to his insistence that the pyramids were grain silos, and not to mention his general befuddlement toward every single topic presented to him. I have no idea why he’s even running. Seriously, does anyone have any idea? His strategy is literally “don't get last.” Is he even cognizant of where he is? Sometimes I think there's a 9-year-old inside him controlling his behavior via remote control; he’s like a marionette doll.

John Kasich: Movie extra

The stock grandpa from every movie ever made decided to run for president. Interesting. Supposedly he used to be one of the most conservative guys in the GOP, but looking at the dumpster fire that is the Republican party nowadays, it's kind of hard to believe that. Regardless, I don't think he's ever polled at above .0001% at any point. He will almost certainly not be president, or even make it to the nomination, which is a shame, because he comes across as the only semi-competent one in the entire bunch. I'm sure he wants this whole "election thing" to end so he can take a nap and play with his grandchildren.

Ted Cruz: Loathsome vermin

The worst. Don’t believe me? Okay, take it from literally every single person he came in contact with during his time at Harvard. His freshman roommate called him a “nightmare of a human being.” Sounds pretty likable to me! Everyone knows there's nothing more likable than his disaster of a tax policy that endows more wealth to the 1%, while simultaneously slamming the low-income with more of the tax burden. Not to mention it will also add a measly $9 trillion to the national debt. Awesome! Our guy Ted Cruz is so smarmy and repulsive that his fellow congressmen and even his own daughter are disgusted by him. Also, he's from Canada, and using his strict interpretation of The Constitution, he shouldn't even be eligible for the presidency.

Donald Trump: Contemptible scum

We’ve been over this, and frankly, every time I think about his bloated, Cheetos-dusted face I want to start breaking things in my house.

Marco Rubio: Handsome cyborg

Marco's a good looking robot-man! Those boots, so fashionable! He's young, he's a dynamic speaker, the establishment Republicans love him - he HAS to be the guy to take down Trump in the nomination, right? Maybe. Unfortunately, Chris Christie roasted him like a damn marshmallow at the town hall event in New Hampshire, getting him to recite the same canned line four times in a row like a short-circuiting robot. Christie effectively obliterated Marco into ash and then dropped the mic, as he ended his bid for the presidency the following day. Up until that humiliation, Marco had been running a pretty smooth and gaffe-free campaign, like someone that we might have heard of before. Until I get evidence to the contrary, I'm going to continue to assume he's a robot hell-bent on human annihilation.