Last semester I took a class called “Gender, Sexuality and Pop Culture.” I learned a lot about gender inequality, about how females are objects of the male spectator in cinema, why we like to watch pornography, and the importance of Harlequin romance novels. But the most important lessons my spunky, short, white-hair-with-a-blue-streak-sporting professor imparted to me were the ones she didn’t intentionally incorporate into the syllabus.
1. Even moms need sex tips.
“I get Redbook and Cosmopolitan. The world doesn’t know if I have mom genes or if I need blowjob advice.”Just because you have a booster seat in the backseat of your car doesn’t mean you have to give up learning how to have your best O yet.
2. Real men have a sensitive side.
“Real men wear pink.” A man isn’t masculine just because he has muscles the size of your head. A man who can wear a ‘feminine’ color without feeling self conscious is a man you can not only trust to change your flat tire, but a man you can trust your heart with.
3. It’s okay to do coke if it keeps you awake for class.
“If you’re tired, go get a Coca-Cola, which, unfortunately, no longer has coke in it.” If a little coke is what it takes to keep you attentive in class, it’s chill.
4. “Humped” is an important word.
“I don’t think ‘humped’ is used enough.” No matter what the context.
5. Essential school supplies for middle schoolers.
“When every girl gets a locker she should get a vibrator.” Many argue that if you’re legally old enough to own a gun you should be legally allowed to drink alcohol. My professor argues that if you’re old enough to store books in a locker then you’re old enough to masturbate.
6. The reason college students are such big procrastinators.
“You never do your work because all you do is have sex.” In the middle of a lecture on pornography she exclaimed, “Just look around you! Look at all of the people sitting in this room who you can have sex with!” She promised us that we’ll never have as much sex as we’re having now and advises that we take advantage of it. I plan to.
7. Gay sons are the best sons.
“I hope my son is gay so that we can keep our close relationship when he’s older.” My teacher has a young son who accompanies her to every gender equality walk and protest she attends. While they are very close now, she fears he will enter male adulthood like most boys and detach himself from his mother. While women are sexually formed by connecting to their mothers, men operate in the opposite fashion and form their sexuality with a disconnect. If her kid turns out to be gay, though, she avoids that complication.
8. Dinosaur erotica is a thing.
“The plotline is that the T-Rex wants to masturbate but his arms are just too short…” I learned something new everyday in that class.
