I would ask how you are doing, but I already know the answer to that question. I know the answer to that question far too well. You are not OK, but you're pretending to be. Believe me when I tell you this: everything is going to be alright. You will be okay.
If junior high wasn't the most awkward, confusing time in your life, then high school definitely was. Growing up in a small town where you knew everyone's name, yet you felt entirely invisible for the first few years of high school. You were 60 pounds heavier, shy, acne stricken, had braces, no confidence and bullied for the way you looked. You were bullied because you didn't look like them. You didn't wear name brand clothes, or have an attractive body. You were the honor student, the girl that boys didn't want to talk to (but would ask to copy your homework), the "you're nice, but we are just friends" girl. You felt lost, unwanted, inadequate and like an outsider. You still loved performance, literature and writing, but many people couldn't see your heart past your weight.
"I'll never make it if this semi doesn't move!" said a guy when you were on your way to lunch.
Remember when you saw your older brother in class, so you peeked in to say hello?
"Oh my god, she's huge!" said a girl in her seat. The class roared in both gasps and laughter.
You. Were. Humiliated. This was just the beginning of you hating and despising who you were.
Every day of school was a ticking time bomb of anxiety for you. Even if you spent two hours on your appearance, someone would find something about you to ridicule and make fun of. Why couldn't they just accept you? That's all you wanted. Still, you will smile. Everyone will think of you as "The girl who is always smiling and always so happy." Even you know that's not the case.
Soon, you will result to self-harm just to feel something... anything.
Your freshman year, you auditioned for your very first musical. You got up on stage, shaking, and basically whispered your monologue to the director. You didn't make the cast list, but you didn't give up, either. You even tried out for the dance team... and you actually made it. You barely squeezed into the dance costumes, but you slowly started feeling important.
Your sophomore year, you tried out for the dance team again, but this time... you didn't make it. You were beyond confused, but then, you realize you only made the team the first time because they felt bad for you. You were the only one they were going to cut. You understood, though. They didn't want to spend the extra money buying larger sized costumes just so you can match with everyone else.
That same year you came in to audition for the Fall musical. You gave it your all. You made the cast list, and finally felt like you belonged somewhere. This moment, right here, is when theater became your outlet—your escape.
And guess what?
Many of those who teased you for being the "big girl"—they ended up voting you prom queen.
Those who bullied you into hating yourself—now, they are liking your pictures on Instagram.
The guys who made you feel ugly for not looking like every other girl in our grade—now, they are asking you to go get coffee.
The girls who judged you for not looking like them—now, they ask for fitness tips.
The truth is, you need this negativity to help you grow into the strong, independent young woman you are today. Those who don't believe in you right now are only going to fuel your fire even more, and make you work 10 times harder just to prove them wrong.
I promise you, it does get better.
Now, you are 21 years old. You're a junior, actress and writer in college. You still are not perfect, but you've accepted that you never will be. You are 60 pounds lighter, your skin is clear, you are outgoing, your teeth are straight and you feel more wanted than you ever have before. You're three years clean from self-harm. Theater is still your passion. You're a vegetarian. You will have overcome many detrimental obstacles. You love words, makeup, poetry, performing, writing, experiencing new things, nature, traveling and simplicity. (Spoiler Alert: Your coffee addiction only gets far more severe.)
You still have your insecurities, and I'll be honest, most days you still see the girl you were in high school when you look in the mirror. It is a slow journey to accepting your growth since then, but remember, you didn't change for them—you changed for you.
Never forget, I am so very proud of who you are today.
After all, we fought like hell to become her.
