I've always had a rocky relationship with my identity. I always felt like I was "too brown" for my American friends and "too white" for my Indian ones. It always made me jealous of the people who grew up with American families and culture. They had to do so little to fit in. I remember my mom packing me rotis for lunch and being so embarrassed to eat them in front of my friends. Instead, I would eat my lunch somewhere else and come back to sit at the lunch tables with my friends.

As I grew up I went from speaking in Hindi with my parents all the time to speaking in English for the most part. I adored my culture. I enjoyed watching Bollywood movies and made sure of it that I had watched every single one. I jammed to Hindi/Punjabi music and looked forward to the next indian wedding. However, I felt the need to hide it. I felt that I needed to conceal that side of me to truly fit in. I had enough of the taunting, the mimicry, and ridicule.

"Your house smells like curry"

"Why is your hair so oily?"

I really thought that if I could run away from my identity as an Indian maybe I could be more accepted.

My mom would always encourage me to participate in International night, hoping I would share my love for Indian dance in front of the entire school. However, I didn't see it in the same light......

"God forbid someone saw me in my Indian clothes"

"They're gonna make fun of this music"

I was scared that the next Monday would come and people would make a mockery out of me, "twisting lightbulbs" wherever I went. As time went on I went from bringing Indian food every day, to making sure my mom only sent me to school with PB&J sandwiches and pretzels. At that time, I hated PB&J sandwiches, but in my mind, I thought "at least I'll fit in".

As I came into high school, I saw a lot more indian kids (5 or so) in my grade. I began associating with some and it was nice to have people who understood me and my family dynamics. My friends, although raised here, were able to empathize on the two different lives we lived. One at home and the other at school. I had friends of all races and loved them all but I was more comfortable with sharing my identity and accepting it.

I fully came to term with who I was in college. I started off my freshman year with mostly Indian friends. It was so cool, to find a group of people that had the same struggles growing up. I could share my love for indian dance and music with them and be myself. However, I did feel like in some ways "I was too americanized". As most of my friends started joining indian groups and clubs, I always felt like I would never fit in one of those.

I had my own stigma against my own kind. I thought people would be "too judgemental" or "I wouldn't fit in". Growing up, I tended to have more guy friends for the sole reason of having less contention. This, in my stance, was viewed as flawed in the Indian community. However, my stigma against my own kind was proven wrong shortly after. I came to college junior year with a strong group of friends ( many of whom were Indian).Many of the friends I made were from our shared passion for the gym. Some I met through my Indian dance team of which we were united by our love for dance. Some had seen me grow from my first day of college and saw me through my tumultuous years and supported me throughout. They had seen me at my worst and my best but never left my side. Some I had only known for a short year but became the strongest group of friends I had, my own brothers and sisters. Many of whom were Indian, but accepted me for exactly who I was.

In college, I realized my identity as Indian , even had its own advantages. I found an amazing group of friends. I flaunted my culture, excited to wear my "lehengas", wherever I went. Many people admired that I was multilingual and I shared my love for Indian music, dance, and culture with my friends, from all different ethnicities. It was amazing to have an identity and be proud of it. As I evolved to love my culture and embrace it, so did many other people. College became a time where people really embraced who they were and I was able to learn about the various beautiful ethnicities and people. I embraced my love for hip hop dance, R&B music, and Starbucks but at the same time I embraced my love for bollywood movies, punjabi music and panii puris.

All in and all, to every kid out there ashamed of their culture, there comes a time in your life where you wouldn't have it any other way. It's hard to realize it when everything is about popularity. If I could go back 14 years and tell myself something it would be that those things that seem to matter when you are young, like how "popular" or "cool" you are, don't really matter when you get older. I wish I had spent the 16 years of my life resenting my culture, embracing it and being proud of who I was. Nevertheless, I have grown into someone comfortable in my identity as an "American" and comfortable in my identity as an "Indian". I love both my cultures and people and wouldn't have it any other way.