Saturday March 13th, 2021 @10:15 AM

When it comes to being alone there is normally a negative connotation attached to it. This is because for the most part, that's what it is. Being alone is a result of something or someone leaving your presence. Whether it be a break up or the death of a loved one, the idea of being alone is not only sad but terrifying. In the world today, the crave for attention and validation is at an all time high. So the legit perspective of being alone doesn't bode well for people, myself included. I live with two guys and when I find myself sitting on the couch for too long without seeing them, the sense of being alone starts to creep in. Then there you are, you are staring your biggest enemy in the face…. Your thoughts.

In a world full of villains, real and imaginary, the biggest enemy you will ever encounter are your inner demons. These ideas that rush into your head when anxiety is at an all time high or selfishness can seriously hinder you and compromise the very reasoning behind your existence. Since 2020 started and now in 2021, I have fought my thoughts and inner demons on an everyday basis. It has led me down paths of lul periods and moments of sadness in my everyday life. I wont say depression because I feel that word is thrown around too much and people have turned it into a trend. They ate me alive, they put burdens on my relationships, jobs, and a serious burden on the lack of work ethic I had. To the point where I checked my bank account as a 21 year old man and I had $10.00 to my name. Thats what would happen, being consumed with my thoughts and letting myself be a victim of loneliness is what led me to those moments of grief and pain in my life.

So let's look at some synonyms of alone. Single, Solitary, and the one that really stuck out when I looked up some different synonyms was the synonym ALL ALONE. Yes, that is alone in it so it is not really a synonym but I feel this is an unnecessary slap in the face from google. What makes this stand out is the ALL. A word as simple, short, and not important almost reaches off the screen of my computer and slaps me in the face. Like I mentioned earlier, in what reality have you heard someone say "hey you doing good?", "yeah i'm all alone, so I am doing great!" and not in a sarcastic way. I don't think I have ever heard that, not even in movies. It is 2021 though, the world is in a big transition when it comes to a sense of being progressive. Breaking down the walls of people who were here before us, creating new trails and paths to follow. Not confined to the same narrow path that society has created for us for years. Whether it be LGBTQ+ Pride, Social Justice, or reshaping old ways of thinking, we as humanity are making bigger strides now than we have in recent history. Although, while we break down the all too familiar walls of progressiveness we are failing to focus on ourselves. In a season of constant push to fight for the man that has been pushed down, you as a person have been on the ground this whole time. At least for me that applies, I was on the ground with the same people who I have seen pushed down by society and instead of reaching out for a helping hand I would push them up and forget where I was. Then that is when the thoughts of being alone would creep in. ALL ALONE. I don't say that in a selfish way, like I am God's great gift to earth because I am helping all these people back on their feet because I am not. But when I do these things I forget about the most important person, me. So before I go do my part and help society by signing a petition, or walking in a march, I have to help myself. Because how can you fix someone's broken pieces when all of yours are laying on the floor behind you waiting to get put back together. I don't have all the answers either. Shit I dont think I have any of the right answers. I am simply a man who has gone through a hard and bumpy part of my life and I guess this is just a public diary or journal, helping me construct my thoughts on a page.

Now, the title of this is The Bliss of Independence. To me that does not sound negative, almost like a big sigh of relief comes over me when I hear that statement. Because I think out of all the synonyms I mentioned earlier and the ones I have looked up, independence is the one that actually didn't make me feel a sense of abandonment. What do we associate independence with? Our founding Fathers? America's Birthday? Fireworks? Or maybe even a really dope Will Smith movie? All of those things have a sense of success and happiness, celebrating something or a victory. Whether it be the finale of the firework show or the raising of the white flag at Yorktown in 1783. What followed after these events were flashes of laughter, happiness, and victory. So why does independence exude that and Alone exude a different type of vibe? That is something I wrestled with for a long time and I honestly still don't know the answer. But, I think I am getting an understanding. Since 2021 has started I have felt heartbreak, pain, and the scary realization of turning 22 and almost having a full head of gray hair. Although, I have also realized something, that being alone isn't negative, it in fact brings opportunity. My hunger for attention, validation, and not being alone suppressed every optimistic thought in my brain. Every idea, good feeling, and a sense of being a student and a teacher to yourself was hindered. Teaching and showing the way of doing something in your head and being the student and practicing it in your life was something that I needed for my everyday activities. That is what I am doing, I am no longer holding on for the hope of breaking 100 likes on Instagram, or viral on Tik Tok, as my sense of success or acceptance of myself. Like this morning on March 13th, I woke up, went for a drive through downtown Tampa, went to 18 Bagels, and got a haircut. With no interruptions, no social media, just me, my bagel, and Lewis Capaldi on my radio. I had a legit conversation with myself. Talking about my week and how I can be or do better this upcoming week. But I also looked back on the things that I did good, and reflected on the things I was proud of. Even if it was something as simple as making someone laugh. That is what I am learning and will always continue to learn until my last day on earth. I will never reach 5/5 on the scale of knowing everything about myself, because there is always room to improve my mindset. I also am not trying to convey this message of "Rome wasn't built in a day" kind of attitude. It is not even that serious, it is simply when you are alone what are you doing with your time. Are you productive with your thoughts or do you push them down to the point it can affect relationships and your everyday life. I am talking to you GENTLEMEN!! So, yes being by yourself can be lonely, sucky, and feel really shitty. But it is all about perspective, perception, and how you are going to take control of your life and start thinking for yourself. Not letting society steer your boat, but take the wheel and sail yourself into the horizon of bettering yourself like your an emotional Jack freaking Sparrow.

To put it simply, My name is Conner Robert Diefendorf, I have made mistakes and have lost friends along the way of my journey. Do I wish them any sort of misery or failure, of course not. But I am no longer pushing other people up, I am grabbing the next sturdy thing I see and pulling myself up. Even if during this time of learning and healing I have to walk past the person on the ground. Because trust me, you are not the only one out there doing something to help. So worry about yourself for just 2-3 freaking moments in your life, it doesn't make you selfish, it makes you a better person to be selfish. To an extent of course. Be a better person to yourself so you can not only be a better person to society, but also more importantly a better person to the people you have in your corner. So be ALL ALONE, it is not as negative as you think. Or if you struggle with that word then use a different one. Like independence. Sorry to any of my teachers who read this and if there are serious grammatical errors, if I am being transparent, this is my journal, so I don't care. Thank you for reading and I appreciate everyone in my life, good and bad. Much Love.