We are in the midst of what may come to be known as the most civil and respectable presidential campaign in United States’ history. The Republican and Democratic Parties couldn’t have put forth two more worthy candidates for the presidency than “never-before public official, alleged rapist, xenophobic, racist, sexist, pandering business mogul" Donald Trump, and “irresponsible, but not quite criminally irresponsible, ‘wah, it was my turn in 2008’" Hillary Clinton.

Trump has beaten all odds to get “his” Party’s nomination, despite never having been an actual member of the Party until last year and not knowing anything about the GOP platform, refuting his opponents with such marvelous and sensible statements like, “I’m a winner folks, let me tell you that!” Give the Donald credit; he tapped into the most willfully ignorant voting base in the whole country that was created by the Republican Party itself through their staunch whining throughout the whole of the Obama administration. A true winner indeed!

But the best part about Trump is that he doesn’t take money from the top 1 percent and special interest groups. He doesn’t even avidly ask for handouts from the common people like a certain old white commie we all know… No, instead the Donald funds himself. He is truly a living icon of the American dream. After all, most people waste away the small loan of a million dollars they get from their parents, and then they complain about not getting paid a living wage to flip Trump’s Big Mac. What a bunch of yellow-bellied liberals!

On the other end, the Democratic Party is showing the American people the importance of exclusivity and investing all of your political capital into one person. Much like other exclusive clubs, the DNC asked Clinton to sit down and wait her turn when their members showed a preference for another leader in 2008. They promised her that in eight years, she would definitely be given the honor of being the Party’s nominee. In the meantime, she could serve as Obama's secretary of state where she could build up her resume, and absolutely nothing could go wrong for her, ever.

But of course, the Party had to make the 2016 primary race look somewhat competitive, hence why a bunch of old white dudes “ran” then dropped out soon after “not being able to compete” with Secretary Clinton in the first debate. But the one thing the Democrats didn’t expect was the commie inquisition!

The one thorn in Clinton’s side, besides her habitually unfaithful spouse, was one of the last remnants of a former Soviet colony in New York City, whose name we dare not utter here, with radical ideas such as not burdening our children with crippling debt, making sure everyone has access to affordable healthcare and a living wage. Oh boy, the thought of such perfection is so sickening! Good thing both Trump and Clinton have committed to keeping injustice and suffering in the world as a top priority! How could we ever survive without knowing that innocent people are needlessly suffering?

Truly, this will go down as one of the most famous presidential elections in United States’ history. The presumptive candidates represent every facet of America’s populace perfectly! Whether you choose grievous incompetence or pretentious negligence, just remember that it is your civic duty to make your choice between the better of two goods. Oh, and don’t even think about voting for that Jesus-like commie, or some other small Party wanna-be. It’s going to be Trump or Clinton, so just go with it.