I lay my head down sometime between midnight and 3 a.m., head spinning with thoughts of what lies ahead knowing its finally time. Decisions I’ve now made, how I’ve decided to leave everything I know; my job, family, friends, apartment, car. Everything I’ve built to go travel across country in a van with someone I care for deeply.
Something you must understand about me is I’m a good soul with a busy mind and a heavy heart. I observe people and hope to make them smile. I’m a hopeless romantic who wants to be swept off her feet and get what she gives in return. I like things light, but always seem to make them heavy. I anticipate mostly everything and my mind tends to engulf every thought that passes through. I’m a caretaker and have been all my life. I'm great at giving people advice they truly seem to appreciate, yet I’m still lost in my own path turning in circles, feeling cross-eyed like I have vertigo.
Recommended for you
It’s late now and my eyes refuse to close. All I can think about is my father sleeping seven minutes down the street and how much I adore him. I feel guilty and stupid for leaving my small town and choosing not to spend as much time with him as I can for the rest of his life. I live in fear of losing people I love. As my adrenalin climbs steeper, my mind spins and I become more anxious; questioning if I’m making the right decision, but aware that these doubts only come from fear. Which has been crippling my whole life.
This has been happening for about three months at this point, approximately four times a week. Now approaching 30, I have to make a choice for myself. I drive the same streets, seeing the same faces, license plates, eating the same food, listening to people's problems that haven’t changed in years, realizing mine haven’t either.
I lay night after night thinking about what we are all doing here. How have we as humans over time become so numb to the real capabilities of human purpose. I think about people like my mom and dad, and many others in the world that feel stuck in relationships for the wrong reasons. Boring jobs that do nothing for us, but allow us to pay rent, and just manage to get a bag of weed and case of beer to last the week. I think about the times we all meet someone, realizing they could be the one we’ve been looking for all along and the timing is either perfect or it’s the worst. I feel sadness for the ones who will never know if he or she was truly it or live with regrets which almost all of us do. We are only here for a short period of time, for how long that actually is, we don’t know, but the real question is this: why do we waste our time?
This article is written only to speak the real truth and make you question. Question if you’re happy and living the way you should be. We, as humans, numb ourselves with alcohol, drugs, social media, empty sex, making others feel inferior only so we feel better about ourselves. We, as humans, manage to hide from our true feelings and blind each other to what it is we need. There’s always someone having a worse day than you and I constantly have to remind myself that I have come a long way to change my life. I have left the victim that lived inside of me in the past. I have tried to make myself better. If we don’t recognize what we should be doing to accomplish fulfillment, what are we even doing here at all?
Always remember; it’s easier to remain sad and miserable than to work at your own happiness. That actually takes energy which the majority of us are selfish with, but the sense of accomplishment and fulfillment is worth it all in the end- to know that you made the move to at least try and enjoy the ride.
