Since I was in the 8th grade, I have always had my five year plan. In 8th grade, the plan was to get great grades, do theatre, get an amazing scholarship to a college where I could continue theatre and get my education degree. This planned varied over the next five years, but only slightly, the most that changed was what subject I wanted to teach. I did indeed graduate with great grades and three college credits under my belt, a scholarship to go to a college with a great theatre, and moving out and supporting myself. My Type-A personality was consistently driving me to always aim for my next step, never settle, never accept failure and actively pushing myself.
However after completing my freshmen year of school, I had already failed two classes out of a 31 hour course load. In addition, I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship that had originally brought me to Tallahassee. My first year on my own had been the hardest year I ever faced. I had never failed on such a large scale, never failed a class, never given up on myself as much as I did that year. I had achieved about 90% of my 5-Year-Plan, which could have been viewed as an overall victory. Yet in the first year, I had never hated myself more nor been more lost. Returning to school for my sophomore year of college was a hard task, I had no desire to move back to Tallahassee because of my previous year and my breakup. I was scared, emotionally unstable and exceptionally unsure of myself.
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A year ago, I decided to stick it out, just one more year in Tallahassee. I joined the school's Forensic Speech and Debate Team, and had been elected the Vice President of the theatre program. I through myself head first into my activities, and fell in love with my passions all over again. I had officially decided to abandon my beloved 5-Year-Plan.
Out of all my breakups, this was by far the best one. I decided to stop planning every step of my life, to have fun, and to see where my life took me. In the past year I have really found myself again. I allowed myself to fiercely pursue my passions, I stopped allowing anyone to dictate what I could and couldn't do. I cut people out who were toxic I learned to love myself and my flaws. I found new things that am good at and also love. I met a really amazing guy, who didn't try to change me and has accepted me for me. From accepting my habit of not making my bed to learning to help someone with mental illness. By letting go of total control in my life, it has genuinely improved. Ultimately, I decided that if I cant be absolutely sure I know what I want for dinner the next three nights, then how am I equipped to make five years of life decisions? At the end of this past school year, I decided to actually take an extra year at TCC just to slow my life down, continue competing with the Forensics Team and actually enjoy my life. People still ask me, "why are you taking a third year? What are you doing next year? Where will you continue your undergrad?" I truthfully don't know yet. It is just as much a mystery to you as it is to me. Sometimes you have to get a little lost to find yourself again.
