We live in a world riddled with suffering and pain. Lately, it seems that everywhere I turn a new tragedy occurs that deeply affects those I love. In these situations, I am often at a loss for words and how to go about comforting my friends and family. What do you say to someone who has experienced such an extreme loss? How can anything I say possibly heal so much pain?

I came across a video this past week called, “Brené Brown on Empathy.” In the video, Dr. Brené Brown discusses the important difference between empathy and sympathy. She perfectly sums up the answer to the question, “How do I respond when someone opens up to me about their pain?”

So what is empathy? Why is it different from sympathy? Empathy is when you put yourself in someone else’s shoes and attempt to understand how that person must feel in a situation. According to Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, there are four different attributes that are essential to empathy. The first is perspective taking or being able to see a situation from the perspective of the other person. The second attribute is refraining from making judgments about the person’s situation. Recognizing what the other person is feeling or the emotion they are experiencing is also essential. The final attribute is being able to communicate your understanding of their emotion back to them. In a nutshell, when someone feels that they are alone, empathy is when someone else comes alongside them saying that they understand what it feels like and that they are not alone.

On the other hand, sympathy is acknowledging another person’s emotional hardships. It does not necessarily mean that they feel the other person’s feelings. Dr. Brown states that while “empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection.” Instead of understanding where the other person is coming from, sympathy simply means having compassion for someone else and sharing your pity for their situation. There is no attempt to relate their feelings of pain to you.

Often, when I try to comfort someone, I make the mistake of starting with the phrase, “at least”. Dr. Brown insists that an empathetic response never begins with this statement. When someone shares for example that their dog just passed away and we say, “At least you have good memories with them.” That is not comforting or empathetic. It is attempting to place a silver lining on something that is deeply hurting the other person. Instead, when I am speechless, Dr. Brown suggests simply saying, “I’m not sure what to say right now but I am just so glad you told me”. Sometimes, that is all that is necessary.

Empathy is a choice. You have to choose to see a situation from someone else’s point of view and connect with them. In the midst of our pain stricken world I urge and challenge you to choose empathy. Even when you cannot find the right words or believe that anything you could say would not make a difference. Dr. Brown confesses that “rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” It is not about the response you give when comforting others. It is all about the effort you make to understand their pain and to remind them that they are never alone.