For me, the Netflix original "13 Reasons Why" was long awaited. I read the book when I was in middle school and wanted nothing more than for that book to hit TV. At the time that I read that book, my depression was at one of it's worst times. If it weren't for that book, I would have felt more alone than I already did. After hearing the book was going to Netflix, I was beyond ecstatic. Finally, media can explain depression and suicide, two issues that are always left unspoken.
Despite my joy of one of my favorite books coming to life, there has been an inane amount of controversy. Many articles have surfaced saying that the show is a trigger; it sends the wrong message, and Hannah is selfish. While I can see their side of the negative effects the show can have, the overwhelming positive effects will outweigh those every time.
People need to talk about depression and suicide.
People need to let those suffering know they are not alone and someone will make an effort to understand. I have dealt with depression since I was six years old; I have had depression for sixteen years. In those sixteen years, I have met a handful of people who understand what I'm going through. Everyone else couldn't connect with me. Anytime I shared my deepest thoughts of darkness with someone who didn't understand, I was met with a confused look and shoulder shrug. "13 Reasons Why" gives people the opportunity to lend a hand instead. "13 Reasons Why" is one of the only pieces of literature that makes me feel less alone.
Triggers
As someone who suffers from depression, I can definitely say that this show triggered me in ways that I didn't think would happen, but I knew that going in. It is a show about a girl who killed herself. It is going to provide triggers. But this show is raw and real, and that's what the world needs to see. This is the world we live in and the only way we'll ever have a chance at changing it is by being honest about this subject.
The Message
All the articles that are warning people from watching this show are saying it's giving the wrong message. The message being that people should blame themselves when someone you know commits suicide. I see where you can believe that's being portrayed but unfortunately, it's real life. When people commit suicide, people do blame themselves. It's inevitable. Should they? No. That causes part of the stigma around suicide.
I don't believe there is any blame when it comes to suicide. Not a single person should be blamed, but if you ask yourself if you should re-evaluate who you are because of things you've done to someone else, then I don't believe there is anything wrong with that either. The author's point was for us to realize that everything we say and do can effect someone else even if our intentions weren't harmful.
Selfish
My favorite reason I've seen thus far to avoid watching this show: Hannah is selfish. No. Hannah is depressed. People who don't fully understand depression tend to think this way. Hannah puts blame on people because she is hurt, her whole world is falling apart and she's alone. Forgive her for being angry. What people don't recognize is Hannah only put the blame on them when she wrote those tapes. I guarantee you that all the time she was actually living in those moments, she blamed herself. She blamed herself for every one of those reasons, including the rape. By the time she wrote those tapes, she had made her decision, all she had left was anger.
The other selfish decision she made was not writing her parents. I believe there were many reasons for this one. Her problems would probably come off trivial to her parents who were currently in financial and marital trouble. Her parents were also consumed with these problems at the time. Lastly, she wasn't angry with her parents and probably knew how disappointing it would be for her parents. She was in no way trying to hurt her parents whatsoever. That's the worst part of depression, when you beat yourself so far down, you can't see the ones you love anymore. All you can see is the hate.
No one is selfish for committing suicide, no one.
For you to truly understand why this show is extremely important, you would have to be able to understand depression and what it feels like. If you don't suffer from depression, you won't ever be able to fully understand but I hope my words can help you gain some perspective.
Depression
Depression makes you feel as though you are in the middle of an ocean. You are trying to swim to safety but you run out of energy. You try to float to build that energy back up but your body gets tired of that too. You begin trying to do everything you can just to keep your head above water. You begin screaming for help and there are people out there but they just can't hear you. Safety isn't far now but you just don't know if you can make it. Your body locks up and your head starts to go just a bit more under. You're close to saving yourself but you ask if it's worth it. You ask if you'll be the same if you make it to safety? Will you recover from the damage that's been done so far? Will you save yourself? So either you do or you let the water fill your lungs. Even then, sometimes the waves take you under.
I have to choose everyday to keep swimming, no matter how tired my legs are. And when I grow too tired, I force myself to float. I float through days and don't know if I'll make it. Then sometimes I let my depression fill me but I choose to continue fighting.
I have struggled for years to believe I'm good enough. Struggled with socially constructed ideals of beauty. Struggled with wondering when the day would come that the water would consume me.
I have come close to letting myself drown numerous times, but I look back on a time that God reminded me that my story was not to end.
Years ago, I was lost, so lost. I didn't know who I was. Was I Erika or did my depression take me over? I jumped in front of a moving vehicle in an attempt to take my life. That was one of the worst moments but best lessons I've ever recieved. I walked away with no physical problems at all but the emotional damage I caused my loved ones is something I can't undo. That's when I realized I'm living for more than just me. I have to keep swimming because there are people that want me to fight.
What I've learned from personal attempts of trying to end my story is that today is not the end. I choose to keep writing my story and every time the water starts to fill my lungs I fight that much harder.
Depression a disease, it's not something that goes away with smiling and exercising. You cannot just tell yourself to be happy. It takes real work.
I still struggle everyday but I've learned how to treat my disease. Not all of us have that luxury; not all of us figure out how to fight everyday. Hannah didn't learn how to fight everyday.
Despite all the backlash this show is receiving, I hope you choose to see through the fog of misguided opinions and learn the real message. Be kind and love one another, you never know what someone else is going through.
For anyone suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, please remember there is always help available.
Depression will not end my story, don't let it end yours.
