He didn't grow up like me.
I grew up with love and kindness.
He grow up with hate and animosity.
I watched him punch her and leave bruises on her. He was only 11.
He was put in mainstream classes because he couldn't stop punching his teachers. He was 12.
He experienced abuse himself, I guess this was all he knew. I knew it wasn't okay. Maybe he didn't know any better.
I knew deep down it was only because he didn't feel love himself. That he just wanted love. That's all anyone ever wants. Love, and to be loved, a sense of belonging.
But he never got that.
I was grateful I did.
From the same household leading two completely different lives.
I watched someone hit him and call him worthless. Called him this so many times he began to believe it.
I watched him steal and go to jail only for a couple of days. It was never long and it was always for minuscule things. He was 17.
I watched him smoke weed to alleviate the pain he felt inside. The pain that tortured him and carried him to bed only to wake up feeling worthless.
I see him now. He's better but I know not being loved at such a young age has really effected him. He carries so much pain. He's so self conscious. He stutters sometimes and he hates himself for it. He says he doesn't know how to talk. He blames himself a lot. He is scared to be in an intimate relationship with someone. He's scared what he will do. He was 20.
I haven't seen him hit anyone in a really long time. He was 21.
I know he's lonely. He works a lot in order to occupy his mind instead of feeling that feeling of worthlessness. It calms him. He was 22.
It hurt me so much to see him do some of the things he did but I knew that it went so much deeper than that. His pain was so much deeper than that. Some of the things he did only illustrated his anger of everything he went through and everything he saw when he was 5.
He's 24 now. I still worry about him. He's lost. I wish I could do more for him. He has so much potential. I hope that one day he wakes up loving himself and forgiving himself.
He's family.
He will always be my family no matter what.
I love him.
I'm worried about him.
