I have a problem with people who shame others for spending a lot of time with their significant other. But I also used to be that person. I definitely started to resent my friends for being with their boyfriends all the time when I was younger and single, and I wish I had been way more understanding. Because they deserved a friend who is happy for them and they deserve to spend time with their significant other.

First of all, why would your friends even want to hang out with you when they aren’t with their boyfriend if you’re getting mad at them for something like that… And second, nobody deserves to feel guilty for being around someone who makes them happy. Everybody deserves to spend time with someone who makes them happy. It’s not fair to hold that against your friends. And honestly it’s pretty selfish to put your happiness over your friends just because you’re lonely.

I also understand the cases where the boyfriend or girlfriend is obsessive and the relationship is unhealthy. Then, it is time to worry if they’re together all the time or if they invest all their energy into their relationship and none into their school/work/friendships. Another time to worry is if your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend gets mad when he or she wants to hang out with friends. Then, it is time to talk to your friend. But aside from that, I think it’s really out of line to resent or shame your friend for wanting to be with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Granted, I’m a college student and it is a little different in high school relationships because there is a slim chance they’ll last, but my point remains the same, your friend doesn’t deserve to feel guilty from wanting to be around someone special. I wish I understood this earlier.

Being in a relationship in college made me grow up. We don’t get to see each other all the time, (and I imagine it’s similar for most couples at the very least when they go home for summer or breaks) so you have to think to yourself if this person and this love is worth sacrificing single summers in your college years. Because being in a relationship is having a responsibility to be a good partner. And not everyone is ready for that, and it makes you think about what you really want. I’m not the kind of person who gets into a relationship easily, so when I came to the first fork in the road, when we were going to do distance, it was a no brainer.

That’s also how I justified it to myself when I realized I spent pretty much every moment I wasn’t in class/studying with him. We spend a lot of time apart. But why did I even feel like I had to justify it to myself? Because I’d been so used to hearing girls criticized for always being with their boyfriends. So let me just say this clearly: you do not owe anybody but your parents an explanation for your life choices. And that includes choices about how you spend your time. You don’t owe your friends an explanation as to why you spend so much time with your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re with someone who makes you happy, if your relationship is healthy, if you bring out the best in each other, if you can make each other belly laugh, if you can tell them anything and know that they will accept you, if they’re there for you through all your hard choices and questionable decisions, if they’re your shoulder to cry on when it seems like life is trying to take you down, spend all the damn time in the world with them. Spend every second you can, because the only certain thing about this life is that it will end. So spend it with someone who is worth it all.

I love articles titled “college isn’t about finding your husband, it’s about finding your bridesmaids” because that’s pretty cringe-worthy and I always thought college was about me. My education. That’s really what college is “about,” everything else is pretty much just whatever is in the cards. If, for you, that’s meeting your best friends, that’s awesome, but I hope you don’t sum up your college experience by the people you met. I hope it’s about how much you learned and how much you’ve grown and the lessons life have taught you. If for you that’s meeting your future spouse, I’d say the same thing.

There’s this connotation for people this age that spending every night in with your significant other is a bad thing. That isn’t true—it’s only a bad thing if it’s not what you really want or not what would make you happiest. I know if I spent every week night going out, it wouldn’t really be what I want, nor what it good for me, nor what makes me happy. So I don’t do that, even though some people would say that’s what college is “all about.”

College is “all about” what you want it to be. Just be true to yourself and the rest follows suit. If going out is really what makes you happy, if you can do it without being self destructive, and without ignoring your responsibilities, by all means go for it. If staying in with your significant other is really what makes you happy, if you can do it without neglecting the other people who need you, by all means go for it. If staying in by yourself and watching Netflix is really what makes you happy, do it. If staying in with your friends and watching Netflix is really what makes you happy, do it. If staying in and getting all your work done early is really what makes you happy, do it. Do you see what I’m getting at?

So let’s try to stop with telling people what they should or should not be doing with their free time in college, unless it’s truly hurting them. Because there are very few people whose life is actually your business.