When people say “over-achiever," I typically think of myself. I don’t mean that in a cocky way or in a condescending way, I mean that I really value hard work and the rewards that come along with it. Many college students these days go through countless hours of classes, homework, and working a job in-between. Personally, I am one of those people. My day starts at 7a.m. with hitting the gym. I go back to my room, which is fortunately on campus because I’m an RA, shower off really quickly, throw on a t-shirt, leggings, and sunglasses and I run out the door. The rest of my day consists of walking from one side of campus to the other balancing my classes, shifts, and meetings. Despite my stressful days, I absolutely love college life. I’m doing everything I can to better myself. “It’s the best four years of your life.” “Make the most of your college days, you’ll never get them back.” That’s exactly what I’m doing. I work so hard for everything I’ve earned at this point. All of my work towards my RA position or my job at Colorado State University’s Office of Admissions, that’s all me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the benefits. You’re recognized by your supervisors and peers for all of the hard work you do put in and the lack of free time you actually have. The money entering your bank account every other Friday is nice. Or even the countless leadership roles and experience I can put on my resume. I go to a fantastic school, I have the amazing opportunity to be an RA and tour guide, and I maintain a good social life. Surface level, everything seems great. I have my shit together and I’ll most likely have my dream life one day if I stay on this path.
But putting all of that aside, do I truly feel fulfilled? Just recently, the answer to that is no. For some reason, despite the countless meetings I go to, praise I receive or promotions I get, I still feel like I’m searching for something. I feel a space within me that’s just waiting to be filled. Not by another job title or an A on my next paper. I’m not exactly sure what that “something” is yet.
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It could be the want to travel. But, I don’t think that’s it. I’ve been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to travel. Whether it’s a family vacation or paid for by my internship, I’ve been given the chance to see parts of the world most people won’t even see in a lifetime. Or it could be money. But, I don’t think that’s it either. Of course, my family has had financial obstacles throughout my life, which is a major reason why I’m so motivated and helping pay for my education. Despite the setbacks, I’ve been really blessed to have had a present-filed Christmas morning every year and a car on my 16th birthday. The feelings of taking home a new watch or having a Louis Vuitton bag on my arm is great, but it gets boring after a while. That feeling wears off. Or maybe it’s love. Maybe all I need to feel that fulfillment is a soulmate. But, I don’t think that is even it. Sure, having someone to come home to after a long day or having flowers and chocolate delivered unannounced would be nice. I want the genuine connection with someone. A type of love where you’re infatuated with every inch and ounce of another human being. I’ve been in love before, so I know what it feels like. But again, I still feel that void.
I guess what I’m trying to understand is the answer to why I’m doing everything. “Bethany, you’re so lucky you know what you want to do with your life.” “It’s really attractive how successful you are.” “You’ve got it all mapped out, don’t you?” Surface level, yes I do. I keep taking on leadership roles or a new job position so I can “better my future”. But what about right now? I want to find things that will make me excited to go outside on a snowy day. Something that makes my blood boil but is also a safe place. Something that makes me want to rip all of my hair out because I’m so nervous but then sing at the top of my lungs. Something that fills every little space in my body. I want to be inspired, not just doing these things to get my dream job one day or to make enough money to support a family. I want to do everything in life with a genuine want and purpose. I’m so grateful for the hard work I’ve put in so far and for everything I’ve been fortunate enough to receive, but I’m still searching. I’m still searching for the things that make me feel completely fulfilled.
