To the friends who put up with me,
I'm sorry that my overthinking makes it difficult to be friends with me. I'm sorry that I take everything so seriously and make everything a big deal. I wish I could go through a day without playing out every scenario of how it could go wrong, without reading into the slightest change of tone or assuming that you are mad when in reality you are tired. I'm sorry that I will assume you want nothing to do with me over something small.
I am too observant. I notice everything. If you send me a text, I don't just read it. I read it and digest it over and over again, trying to figure out exactly what you are thinking. Same for when you say something. I remember it. I don't forget; I can't forget. If I forget, I'm a bad friend who doesn't pay attention. So, I pay too much attention to detail and I overthink everything. Was the smiley face because I said something funny or because you don't want to have a conversation and are trying to tell me without being rude? Did you not answer something on purpose, or are you busy? You're probably busy, but maybe you're sick of talking to me and need a break… how would I know?
I shouldn't wait for the other shoe to drop, I know, but I can't help it. When I am happy for too long, I know something bad is about to happen. It always does. So I look for it. I look for it so that when it comes, I am prepared. I need to protect myself from the pain, even if thinking about all the possibilities puts me in more pain.
I think ten years ahead not because I'm ambitious or mature, but because I need to be prepared for anything. If I don't have a plan, anything could happen. I need to think about that now before it's too late… right?
I am sorry that I need constant reassurance about both our friendship and myself. I know it's frustrating and unfair to you, but without it I assume that I am a nuisance and that you'd be better off without me. I'm not trying to be needy, but I want to make sure I'm not wasting your time. I will willingly give you my everything, but along with that comes a constant fear that you will take it and leave.
I am sorry that I look to you for validation. I am sorry that I can't quiet my mind long enough to find it for myself.
I am sorry that I have become increasingly pessimistic.
I will play out scenarios and conversations in my head while driving. If you don't answer for a long time, I promise you that I have had eight different conversations of how it could go. I make myself more paranoid than I should be, and sometimes I even take it out on you, and for that I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry that my overthinking makes it difficult to be friends with me.
I'm sorry that I assume you will leave me like they did. I'm sorry that I'm always staring at the door, waiting for you to walk out. And I'm sorry if I ever do something that makes you.
I don't deserve your patience. I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve your second chances.
But I'm thankful that you try despite the hardships of me.
I'm thankful for the times you sit down and reassure me of who you think I am; I promise I don't forget them.
I'm thankful that you don't overthink me.
Sincerely,
Is "Sincerely" a Good Enough Closing?
