*Trigger warning: depression, skin picking, over eating.
Dear Me,
I'm sorry what you've had to endure. The self-hating, the pain, the tears, the lonely nights, any time I didn't love you right. I'm trying to love myself more and more. These past ten years have been life changing and difficult. High school. College. Real life. But we've made it through the hardest parts of life so far. We can do this.
I want to apologize for all the boys I loved and hurt over. I'm listening to my head more these days than my heart. We won't forget the boys that we once wanted but more importantly, we won't forget the lessons they gave us. Let's love ourselves harder. I've been married to myself for about five years now and we're still going strong ;)
Anxiety and depression suck. The anxiety will always be there but I definitely think we're friends now, just let it have its moment when it happens. PS, keep taking the medication, you'll feel shittier when you withdraw.
Depression is sometimes like a shadow, quietly walking next to you. Other times, it's a big, dark ocean that makes you feel like you're drowning. There are times you've felt like dying. Numb. Lifeless. There are times you've imagined what would happen if you stopped living, but the very thought of death always terrified you back into reality. You know life isn't that bad, in fact, it's a wonderful thing that needs darkness once in awhile. Thank you for never acting on those toxic thoughts, you've always been stronger than the monster depression is. Use your darkness as a gift.
Skin picking has always been an issue and we're still working on it. You scratch your eczema too much and don't realize you're picking it. Self-awareness and balance is key, baby steps. Don't destroy your skin, baby. Your parents worked hard blessing you soft, clear skin that you shouldn't be putting scars on. Cover your skin with ink instead ;)
You're still learning to love your body. In childhood, you worried about being too thin, now as an adult you think you're fat. You're 26, not six, not 16. 26. Your body has changed with age; you're a short woman with curves, embrace it. Keep dancing, keep walking, drink more water than soda. Society is encouraging curves, so should you.
I'm sorry for all the failed expectations, the times you've hated your reflections, the sleepless nights. I'm sorry for eating when you're full, I'm sorry I love food so much. I'm more aware of when I'm over eating, I need to know when to say enough is enough. You're human and you need nourishment, but don't over indulge.
I'm sorry for saying sorry. It's a new year, a new decade, I'm going to do my best to love you better.
