I really hate saying I admit that I am pretty.

But for this article, nothing will make sense unless I admit to it. I'm also the type of person who sees the beauty in literally anyone. I don't have a type when dating, which people are shocked by, because no one understands how I see some people attractive.

So 'pretty' is not a big deal to me, but to everyone else it is. I'm so much more than pretty, but pretty always defines me.

In high school, all the people I wished to be friends with always thought that since I am pretty, I must be a bitch. I must be judgmental, or I must have a bunch of guys lined up. I must spend hours on my makeup and hair and I probably used all my free time shopping and gossiping. The truth is, I spent 20 minutes tops on my makeup because I routinely did it everyday and I wake up super late. I have asian hair, that means it's literally straight on its own. I didn't have a lot of guys lined up whatsoever because I was more of a dude than all my guy friends anyway. And also, I wanted to be friends with theatre kids and the people that played video games in the game room during lunch. I loved admiring the emo-kids hair colors and makeup looks because I played with many hair colors and looked at makeup as art and listened to some of the same music myself. I was attracted to the really smart and nerdy guys, because they seemed clean and didn't care to be huge drinkers on the weekends. I liked guys who could think past looks and guys I can learn from. But since I was considered pretty in high school, it seemed like everyone avoided getting to know me. No one wanted to be "judged" by me, when they were the ones judging me. Only the people who knew me from earlier, like grade school, knew that I would talk to anyone and remained saying hey every so often. But I also got a sense that people would have believed I changed into someone else because I started getting more friends, because I was pretty.

In the work force, it honestly seems like I get hired because I am pretty. But I have zero confidence in myself in the work force, and most of the time I cannot comprehend tasks given to me. I know I frustrate some people, and maybe it's because they see me as a new inexperienced worker. But when I am given a task that has no challenges and am not helping the company or store whatsoever, why am I needed? What is this good for? I want to be taught, I want my head sunk in the water sometimes.

I want to be yelled at if I am doing something wrong, and... is it just crazy to say that I want to be fired when I know I should be fired?

In these years, my early 20s, I am starting to date for the first time because I've been in a 7-year relationship that I broke off. I've noticed that going to bars brings up some confidence, because I am pretty, but that's just it. I know the bar scene is ridiculous to even analyze, because it's busy and loud and guys need to really impress me to get my number and then move forward. So yeah, I understand I have to be pretty to them first. But I feel there's so much more to me, that I am too eager to share who I am to someone wanting to know me. So when going on these dates, I get excited per usual, and every date seems to be great, except one thing. Guys seem to not really want to get to know me. They want to impress me in all ways possible before that "let's call it a night" comes out of my mouth. So I basically find myself sitting there, listening to their stories while I get to be the one to finish all my food cause I am not talking. I am the only one asking questions because I genuinely want to know the person behind that face.

I'm not just your arm candy.

This is where I use writing on this site to express who I really am, because sometimes it just seems like all I am known for is being pretty. I wish to be known for more. It's kind of like, those darkest thoughts you think of when you wonder what people would say about you when you die. Will anyone know the real me? How much of a scatter-brained, deep thinking, awkward lonely dork I really am? And not just someone with a pretty face who must have her shit together who doesn't have any feelings?

I'm so much more than pretty, but pretty always defines me.