I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

I'm also a college student.

These two worlds don't mix.

I miss class a lot. Not because I want to, but because my brain tells me to. I feel like I am constantly in a tug of war with my brain. Against itself.

Basically, this is how it breaks down:

Normal side of my brain:

"We have class at this this and this time today"

Depression side of my brain:

"but the bed is so comfortable. Just show up next meeting. Say you're sick."

Anxiety side of my brain:

"BUT WHAT IF THE TEACHER YELLS AT US FOR MISSING CLASS."

ADHD side of my brain:

"how do mermaids pee?"

Depression:

"Five more minutes. I just want to sleep"

Normal:

"No, we need to go to class. We can sleep tonight."

Anxiety:

"if we don't leave now (thirty minutes before class), We're gonna be late."

ADHD:

"BUT how do mermaids pee?"

"can we watch netflix?"

Normal:

"No, we are getting dressed and going to class."

Depression:

"But I'm tireddddd"

Anxiety:

"We have fifteen minutes. We gotta go, NOW."

ADHD:

"I'M HUNGRYYY"

Normal:

"AAAAAHHHHHHH"

And I feel horrible. Every time I look at the clock and see that I should be in class, I cry. but it is literally that conversation or one very similar to it that happens in my brain. I can't keep up. Usually depression wins and I sleep. Sometimes anxiety wins and I just hide in my room all day. Sometimes ADHD wins and I go eat. Either way, I rarely win.

When my friends ask where I am, I can't answer honestly. I'm too ashamed. So usually the answer is "I'm sick" though I be perfectly healthy.

When asked "how are you?" and my answer is "tired" I mean it. Because I am. I am so tired.

I pushed so many people away, and I hate myself for it.

I look back on these last two years of school and just wonder what happened. Like I feel like I am just a shell of who I once was.

I want to go back. I want to get back to old me. I just don't know how. The only thing I know is this: I feel so alone. And, "I'm sick."