Over the years, dating has become much more than just something two people do when they fall in love. In fact, it has become something that’s meaning has been stripped down so much that it resembles a game more than it does a meaningful partnership. So why do we date? Well, this answer could be different dependent upon who you ask. Many say that it’s because they’re looking for love, for others it’s the fear of loneliness, and for some it’s simply to meet their passion-seeking desires. There are plenty of other reasons we as humans desire a partner, and in no way are any of these desires “wrong." It’s all a matter of where they come from, and what your intentions are with them.

I’m going to get a little personal here, so brace yourselves!

As a pre-teen, I was always feeling the need to have a boyfriend. In my mind everyone else was having them, and I wanted what they had. It had nothing to do with the physical stuff or even the title, but the attention from it. I loved the thought of always having someone to text and call, and always having someone there. I loved the feeling of being loved. But the thing was, these casual little high school flings weren’t love. I wasn’t looking for a potential partner in life, I was just looking for someone to fill the empty void in my heart. Only after multiple years of heartbreak, countless emotional talks with my mom, and a growing relationship with God, did I realize these things and that what I was yearning for were not only empty things but emotionally-damaging patterns.

Sure, all the things that come with a relationship are nice: the attention, the “honeymoon phase," having someone to do fun things with, the cute novel text messages, and even the potential for love. But how much does that all really matter if the person you’re with has no intention of pursuing you for the long-run, no intention of forever with you, not wanting anything more than lustful things with you? I understand, relationships are fun. And if your goal is to have fun and to not get tied down to anything, then it’s understandable. But if your goal is to have a potential partner, or if you’re truly looking for love, you won’t find it in investing your heart into someone that does anything less than treasure you. You won’t find it in looking to be someone’s “Women Crush Wednesday” on Instagram; you won’t find it in looking for physical things. Here’s the thing: you won’t find it if you’re looking for it!

Love is a gift, not a recreational activity. It’s hard to let that thought sink in when romance novels and movies let us live vicariously through them, letting us experience the thrill and rush of falling in love without any difficulties or consequences. Now don’t get me wrong, as we are growing and maturing, people pass in our lives that we may get feelings for, and we will have interests in advancing those feelings. But I’ve learned that you must really look at where those feelings are coming from. And to do this, you have to be honest with yourself. Are your feelings lustful, passion-derived, worldly? Nothing is wrong with these desires! However, if you’re looking for something permanent and meaningful, these desires have nothing to do with it.

I hear many people tell me that the “physical stuff” in a relationship is necessary to pursue, and some even say that they’re equally as important as the emotional aspects. It’s important to remember that our physical appearance and desires will change and age over time. The physical things are temporary and they are, again, lustful. Physical stuff will make its way into your relationship when it’s ready to, and God created these things specifically for marriage for a reason.

Your body is not meant to be shared with multiple people, it was made precious and should be treated as so. If the people you’re dating are more interested in what’s under your clothes than what’s in your heart, then they’re interested in you for the wrong reasons. You want someone that wants to know you soulfully inside and out; you want someone that knows all your quirks, all of the best parts of you, and also all of the darkest parts of you.

You want someone that knows how you like your coffee and what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. You want to know them so well that there isn’t one thing they could say about themselves that would surprise you. You want to know them inside and out soulfully, before you even think about knowing them physically.

Again, physical appearance will always change, and can be deceiving.

But, if you know someone’s soul, that will never change about them. Sure, they may adapt certain characteristics and mature in ways, but you will always know who they are, and have no reason to be uncomfortable around them. Contrary to popular belief, if you can be fully exposed emotionally to someone, then you will have no problem being physically exposed when the time comes.

Let me leave on a positive note, this is very personal to me and what I believe. The reason you won’t catch me hooking up with guys at parties or dating any guy that comes around that I’m attracted to is because I know what it feels like to give pieces of my heart away. You may spend time with people, have the time of your life with them, and maybe even grow to love them. But if it’s just that, then it doesn’t always mean that it’s the person you’re supposed to be with.

I believe God has one person in mind for me for a reason, and that I should save that kind of love and desire solely for that person. If I meet someone I have fun with, that’s great! There’s nothing wrong with that. But if he doesn’t plan on pursuing me in any way, or doesn’t desire any kind of future, then there really isn’t a point. If I couldn't see this person being a good husband or father, then I most likely wouldn't be interested in seriously pursuing things. Because what would be the point? Sure, it’s fine to get to know people and spend time with them. However, to have a relationship is not a goal of mine in life.

I’m not looking for it.

I know that if and when my person comes around, then God will guide me in how I should pursue that relationship. I have lots of love to give, but not to just anyone. But until then, it’s okay to be single! It’s okay to make friends, and it’s okay to get to know someone more deeply if you have feelings for them. If your true desire is love, then love will come when it’s ready. The less you’re worried about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, the more time you’ll have to better yourself and the more prepared you’ll be when you do find it. So in the meantime, work on yourself.

Make yourself into the best “you” you can be, so that you can be the best “you” for that special person when they come along!