Hi, I'm Patricia.
I may not know you.
But if you are reading this, we have something in common.
That may be where it ends, but it is never something that should be overlooked.
Maybe you can relate to what I'm about to say, maybe you can't. Either way, this is what I'm feeling.
I'd like to say I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. That I do not come from a perfect family or a perfect background. That I had hardships growing up. I've had negative experiences that have stayed with me into my teens and later on until my adulthood. I'm sorry that I've lived through things that have left me damaged, afraid, and anxious at times.
I'm sorry that my body is not flawless. I have stretch marks here and there. Sometimes I'm thrilled with how I look and could take dozens of progress photos. Other times, I feel like my hard work means nothing, and I don't even want to wear clothes that feel tight. I'm sorry that I'm inadequate because I know my body will never be able to measure up to the airbrushed & edited models that are on social media and porn websites & videos. I'm sorry that that's something significant others have chosen over me.
I'm sorry I have emotions and feelings. I'm sorry that they're not light switches that I can turn on and off when I please. I'm sorry that my heart is not made of steel and that sometimes I cry too much. I apologize for overreacting and getting hurt when someone pushes me aside like I mean nothing. I know sometimes I'm anxious. There have been moments where I say things that don't come out right because I'm scared. Sometimes I'm heartbroken and devastated. But you're right, I should be fine. I should be okay. I should "get over it". I'm sorry. I'll continue to paint on that smile when I'm not alone, to mask the immense amount of pain I'm feeling on the inside. Maybe if I do it long enough, we'll all get a clearer picture of what a person should be.
But most of all, I'm sorry I've messed up in life and made mistakes.That I've made choices I'm not always proud of. I'm sorry that that's all you see. That the things that you view as wrong will forever distort your view of me and become a permanent label that I will never be able to remove. Why do I even try? I know I don't stand a chance. After all, you've already made up your mind of who I am. That's right, you've got me all figured out. I know because I've heard it and I've seen it. I can hear and feel you from across the room. It's so heavy, it's like a weight on my back. I guess all I can say is I'm sorry that I don't have my life "as figured out & together" as you do.
I'm sorry that I've fallen down & been shattered by life at times. That the truth of it is I've been rude to people. I've been selfish before. I wasn't there for my friend when she needed someone. I have been in relationships that have failed. I've broken things and have tried to put them back together. I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry I have a past that I continually try to put behind me and move on from. Just long enough before you dig it up and put it back in front of me, like I don't already know its there. I'm sorry that when I try to start a new chapter or have a fresh start, you still see me for the scars that are all across my heart. But this is how I come.
I'm sorry that you blame me for all of the things that make me human, I really am. I'm sorry that I will never be good enough, but human is all I know how to be.
