I have a confession to make. I am not okay. To be completely honest, I don't know the last time I was, or when I will ever be again. This past year has been the toughest year of my life, and to say I wish it would end would be an understatement. In the span of 10 months, I lost my father, my job, my seat in the nursing program, and my father's life insurance policy. My mother's health declined at an alarming rate, and I became her primary caregiver. I moved out of the only home I knew for the past 13 years and began to look for a silver lining that just wouldn't appear, no matter how dark my clouds above became.
My anxiety and depression have taken new heights, and I often find myself clamming up and not speaking about the things that feel as though they are slowly killing me. Just writing this article is giving me anxiety, but I know it needs to be done.
Growing up, I never spoke about my issues. Not because no one would listen, but because I felt like speaking out about the things that bothered me made me weak, and weakness was never an option. I was always the strong one in the family. I was the rock. When things went south, I was the calm one, the strong voice in the back that said we would all be okay, and that failure was never an option. When you're the strongest girl you know, you don't let things like anxiety get the best of you. You lock it away and learn to cope in other ways, but what you don't see is the disservice you are doing to yourself by not speaking about the things that bother you. You lose sight of all the small things that are good and give hope.
Do I feel as though my life is falling apart? absolutely. I am a walking train wreck that has no idea how to fix things, but while I am falling apart piece by piece, I have people that stand behind me and stack me back up.
I began to learn that even though my life was in shambles, I was allowed to feel anxious, and depressed and generally bad about it. There was nothing wrong with expressing my feelings, my discomfort about how things were going in my life at the moment, and knowing that people did truly care about me.
I have a mother that despite her declining health always has a smile for me and kind words, no matter how hard her day may have been. I have an extended family of my own making that check in on me daily to make sure I have eaten, slept ok, and offer to help me with anything I may need.
I have friends that are like siblings that have mourned with me, and text me every holiday to make sure my mother and I are ok as we deal with all of our "firsts" without pops.
I have a non-profit foundation that has given me hope and motivation to make this world a better place one person at a time.
And I have the most amazing man in my corner that loves me unconditionally and without fear. He makes me smile every day, and laughs when all I want to do is cry. He listens to my never-ending rambling and sometimes can make sense of it all, but no matter the struggles I face, I know he will always be by my side and never give up on me.
I am not okay, I may never be okay again, and THAT'S OK.
