When I was fourteen, I tried to take my life with a razor blade

While kneeling on the bathroom floor, I had already convinced myself

That no one cared about me, that only I could put an end to this misery tearing me apart.

It was my constant companion no matter where I went. I couldn’t hide from it

Because I soon realized that when your biggest demon is not just inside your head, but it isyou-

You’ll almost certainly lose the fight.

It wasn’t until my seventeenth birthday when a kind woman in a sterile office labeled me-

Told me that depression wasn’t me, it was just something inside of me.

I didn’t believe her.

Because when I spend every night trapped within the haunted shell of a mind

Torn in half by demons I cannot fight, cannot see,

Just waiting for the sun to come up to put my terrified mind at ease,

So that I could tell myself ‘look, you survived, it’ll be okay now’ as if the stars could protect me,

That’s when I began to realize that depression had brought anxiety to the party.

That no matter how much I wanted to stop trying, to stop feeling, to lose the fight just to make the pain go away,

My good friend anxiety would make sure my heart never stopped racing,

That I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, to remind me that no matter how OK I might be now-

They could take even that from me.

When I was eighteen I thought I’d finally found happy,

I made new friends away at school and spent all my time surrounded by people I cared about

And who cared about me.

I was finally learning to love myself, I even joined a sorority.

All of a sudden the world seemed so full of possibilities in a way I’d never let my heart dare dream and I was just so happy.

And in my happy I forgot to look around and see that I had taken a fork in the road that didn’t say keep it up, you’re doing so well- it said recalculating, quicksand ahead.

By the time I realized what was happening, I was too late to pull myself out of the trap I’d blindly walked right into.

You see, when you’re happy you forget that depression and anxiety are still hard at work in the shadows of your mind,

Waiting for the right time to knock you back down the ladder-

The ladder I’d been using to climb out from rock bottom.

I wasn’t happy anymore.

I was a mess of pills supposed to make me happy, or at least okay

But all I felt other than numb was a pain in my chest I couldn’t seem to shake.

Some days it just aches but most days it’s so heavy I can’t even breathe or leave my bed.

You see, even my family thinks it’s funny,

A joke that they never seem to see me because I never leave my cave and I prefer to sleep during the day,

But even they don’t see through the hollow smile that’s hiding me screaming, ‘I wouldn’t sleep during the day if I wasn’t so afraid of what nightmares the demons will throw at me tonight!’

If only they could see that I’m exhausted from the torment my own brain inflicts on me,

That I spend every hour fighting to keep trying, to not succumb to the pain, to not find an easy peace at the bottom of my pill bottle.

If only they saw me for me.

By nineteen I’ve spent more nights wondering if I’m actually losing my sanity than I care to admit,

And more nights awake wondering if I’ll ever escape this feeling of a constantly broken heart.

But I’ve learned that this pain in my chest and the broken pieces of my mind will never be less sharp or hurt me less when I try to pick them up,

I’ve just learned to live with the feeling.

As time passes I’ve come to know there is no worse feeling than waking up

To the fact that I am finally in a good place and that I can be happy,

To then have it ripped from me in the course of a single night for reasons I don’t understand

And therefore can’t fight.

Sometimes there isn’t a reason for falling back down to rock bottom,

That’s just how my brain works.

But this time I’ve brought some blankets and even though I’m not happy,

I’ll get comfy now so I have the strength to fight later

Because I refuse to let this be the end of the road for me.

I’ve got so many dreams I want to share with the world

And lives I want to change and people I want to help,

I guess I hope that by twenty I’ll finally be free.