A lot of my friends would say that I'm dramatic, and I wouldn't disagree with them. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I definitely don't hold back when it comes to expressing how I am feeling... with the exception of when I'm not feeling okay. I haven't felt like myself for a long time and that, more than anything, scares me to admit.

I can remember when the shift happened. When I went from feeling very carefree to closed up and confined within my own mind. It was the weekend before my nineteenth birthday; the weekend that I was sexually assaulted. My life had felt pretty tumultuous up until that time. The first boy that I had felt that I ever had a genuine connection with, and probably, to an extent, loved, completely cut me out of his life for absolutely no reason. I was struggling. I distinctly recall simply being done. I was crying all the time and talking to my mother at least two times a day. This was in late March and early April, and the month leading up to exams felt like the longest amount of time that I have ever lived.

These feelings of hopelessness, despair, and being lost have stayed with me since that time. I haven't been able to shake them. I have nightmares, I'm constantly anxious, and more than anything, I have this looming fear and anxiety that I will never be loved, that I will not be treated correctly, and that for some reason, the only way I can love myself is if someone else loves me first. I know and hope that none of these things are true, but knowing and feeling are two very different things.

I pride myself on being funny. I enjoy laughing and making others laugh, so it often comes to a shock when I tell others that I'm not doing alright. And despite my love for the spotlight and my love for attention, I very seldom feel the need to put the spotlight on me when discussing how I truly feel. I fear people will think that I'm simply seeking the limelight or that people will invalidate my feelings with their own experiences. But as I've been on this journey and as I've allowed myself to fully embrace the feelings that I am feeling, I've often thought to myself: why are we so scared to admit that we're not doing well? As a species, humans very seldom discuss not being okay, especially when it comes to mental health.

The only conclusion I could come to is that it's incredibly hard to empathize with people on an emotional pain level. It is so easy to compare a broken arm to a broken leg, a sprained wrist to a pulled muscle. We can equate physical pain so easily, but since everyone processes pain completely differently, as humans, we find it hard to truly understand what another person is going through.

I know that not being okay, actually is okay. Whoever insisted that you have to be 100 percent fine or better 100 percent of the time was the truly crazy one. My struggling mental health doesn't make me any less of a person who is completely happy and doesn't make my emotions less valid then theirs.

I'm tossing aside this persona of that I'm constantly happy and okay today, though. I have emotions, and I feel them ever so deeply. I am constantly torn apart by how I'm feeling on the inside, and writing this is my attempt to be okay with that and my encouragement for others to be okay with it as well.

I can't just make myself happy either; sadly, what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling doesn't work that way. I do my best to make myself feel better, but some days it just doesn't work like that.

There is one thing I know for sure, though -- It will get better. I will find constant happiness and I will live my best life. And that is a day that I can't wait for. That is the day I am dreaming of.