Recently, I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine about guys. We had noticed that there was a pattern in many of the guys we have conversed with: they compare us to other women. This is not to say that all guys are the same in how they treat women, but the majority of them do. Do you ever think why women are grouped as one and the same? I mean, we are literally categorized as being the same person. It’s as if there’s a standard checklist on our personalities, our looks, our reactions, likes and dislikes. But why? Each woman is different in their own way, may it be their personality, their minds, the way they walk and talk, or simply just the way they look. Are we responsible for allowing it to happen? Not necessarily. We live in a patriarchal society, where it is hard to be seen as a woman in power or in control of her self-identity. However, I think we are subtly responsible because we somehow submit to their idea of what a typical woman is and should be.

This world tries its hardest to celebrate the idea of how diverse and cultured we are, yet conformity lingers. No matter how hard women try to stand up, we continue to be categorized as the same. It especially become hurtful when it is done by someone close to you. To get a better idea, I have asked several women to share their thoughts on their experiences as well as what advice they’d give.

“Yes, I have been compared to another woman before. And I have to say that it isn't the best feeling in the world. Haha. I've been compared in the way that makes me seem like a complete oddball. For example, someone once told me: "what's wrong with you? Why aren't you like the other girls? Who wear makeup, dress nicely, like normal things? You like that weird stuff that no one likes?" And things of that nature. I was compared to the standard of what's considered "normal" in our society instead of being unique. Rather than being a clone of my environment or what was deemed “the average girl of the suburbs", I was .... different. He wasn't used to that. He wanted to change me into his notions and ideas of what a girl "should" be. My reaction was hurt and disbelief. Seriously? You can't accept me for who I am yet you claim to love me beyond all words? Hmm... really? At that time, I was naive and shrugged it off. There was nothing I could do (I thought) I was just....me. Well, that's what I thought anyway. Though, subconsciously, I started becoming ashamed of what made me "me" and started to be involved less and less of what I loved. That is, until years later when I became free of the situation and gained that confidence to follow what I loved.
The advice I would give to guys who group women as a whole would be: try and think of it from your perspective. How would you like it if females group tall men as one? How would you like it if someone said you were just the same as everyone else? That you were a robot or a clone and have no unique personality whatsoever. You wouldn't like that would you? So why would you do that to somebody else? Take a step back and think about it logically. Do you really want to be with someone who is just like everyone else? Who doesn't have their own unique quirks and passions? Is everyone with the same wouldn't the world be boring? So that's my advice. Take a step back and actually think about it before you say it. Thank you.”
-Niki, 23

“I'm a dark skinned black girl with big lips and a broad nose. I've been getting compared to other girls my whole life. Let's face it, these features are not the standard of beauty in America. So what's it like to not be the standard of beauty -- to be so far removed from the standard of beauty that you think your beauty and your features are ugly. Here's my story. I remember the first time I had a crush on this guy and I was probably still in elementary school and we were both in the same class. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. He was short, had caramel skin and squinted for some reason even though he wore glasses, but hey a crush is a crush. I was bold during those days and I was practically unstoppable and told him I liked him. Let me tell you, he didn't just call me ugly. No that would have been too kind. He told me I was "too dark" and my lips were "too big;" besides he liked another girl in my class. Her hair was pressed out (nothing like my all natural puff ball), lighter skin, and a skinnier nose -- everything I wasn't and everything I never would be. This sort of rejection was something that I became accustomed to. Too black. Too natural. Too not pretty enough for whoever. I internalized a lot of the rejections and truly ended up hating everything about myself. At 21 years old, I'm in a way better place in my life though. My Jackson 5 nostrils, baby hair, and Afro are all doing just fine and my self-esteem is at an all-time high. For all the guys out there giving us women hell and expecting us to live up to the video vixens you see (drool over) on Instagram -- we are not here for you! We are tired of manipulating our hair and body for your amusement and satisfaction. Women are not here to simply exist as beings for men to desire, we are way more complex than that. Women are way more than that. Get to know us. Get to know all of us for who we are and what we are. Step outside that superficial shallow existence that you call a life and see the beauty of our species. We're all different. We're all beautiful and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. If you can't give ALL of us that then well you just don't deserve us -- any of us from the valley girls to the ratchet girls, we'll still be magical without you.”
Daesya, 21

“Uhm well because I’m a virgin, I’m always compared to that one girl who gave it up without a second thought. And I'm like, "I'm not like that and I don’t wanna be pressured." Then it just weeds out the guys who are clearly only in it for one thing. They either disappear or become annoyingly persistent.So to the guys who meet a virgin (no matter her age) don't pressure her or make her feel like a prude if she won’t spread her legs for you just because you told her she was cute. There are plenty of girls that will, but there are many that just want to be safe and wait.”
Asia, 20

“When you have a competitive job, you get compared to other employees almost on a daily basis. It’s a strategy that supervisors use to either get someone to improve at their job or to praise someone instead. It’s a tool that does not always go over so well and translates even less well when applied in a social setting. No one is perfect; everyone has flaws. When someone points out those flaws and compares them to another person’s strength, they are essentially diminishing you as a person. They make you seem like you are less than the other person and that can destroy your sense of self-worth and self-identity. When a man does this to a woman or vice versa (or woman to woman or man to man) they are telling that person how little they truly think of them. My advice would be to realize that everyone is different, everyone is an individual and it’s better to respect that individuality than to belittle it. No matter what you hope to gain from someone, remember the phrase: “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.””
Anonymous, 22

“I've been compared to my boyfriend’s ex as well as other females (well he's my ex now) he compared our reactions to things. He wanted me to cry & fall out every time he did something I didn't like because it "showed I cared." He said, "that's how girls are supposed to be, emotional." That's just not how I am, but he'd always tell me about what other females said to him or when other girls tried to talk to him. My reaction at first was to shut down & be silent but when I finally started speaking my mind, he didn't like it at all. I think that guys who group women together as a whole are simple minded & most of them don't have an appreciation for women. Most of those type of guys turns out to be gay.”
Aliyah, 21

“I've been compared to other women when I am more logical/practical instead of emotional/mushy when making decisions or arguing in a relationship because apparently that's not what women do and it's very "guy-like" to think that way. My reaction has been to clarify that I'm not other women and not obligated to follow whatever inclinations they have to act one way or another. My advice to guys who group women as a whole would be for them to be open to the fact that since they are not all like other men - including men like Hitler... or Trump - it is irrational to think that all women are alike. They could learn so much from at least trying to give women that room to be many different things.”
Vimbai, 23

“It's a terrible example but my first boyfriend basically was like "other women give head, so if you don’t I’m going to have to get it from them," which places women as some kind of sexual deviants. I think that men compare women to other women most frequently in intimate relationships, as a form of manipulation. Even the most strong-minded women tend to bend slightly in intimate relationships because of our human need for companionship and love and sex. So most of the time even if it isn't intentional. For example, Bobby could tell Sara that his mom used to cook for him all the time, but Sara doesn't. It still leaves the impression that because this other woman did a particular thing or behaved a certain way than Sara has to as well. I would say that they have to remember that whoever they are comparing is an individual, and is not the woman that they are comparing her to and that they need to be conscious of the fact that not all women are the same way, the same way they do not like to be lumped together as men.”
Tiffany, 23

"Have you ever been compared to another woman: Yes How and why: He told me I was just as crazy as the girl he was cheating on me with before I found out he was cheating. He wanted me to think she was just a "crazy" friend. What was your reaction and how did you respond: My sixth sense told me he was lying. You just don't tell someone that they are crazy because they saw inappropriate messages in your phone. I contacted the other girl. And when I learned the truth that he was cheating, I walked away. What advice would you give to the guys who group women as a whole: Not every woman is stupid or naive. Some women will never settle for less than they deserve. If you are not worth fighting for, she will simply walk away. It doesn't mean she never loved you. She just respects how she wants to be treated."
Grace, 24

One of my peers wanted to share her story though an interview, which I gladly decided to do. Remaining anonymous, she speaks of the three memorable times that someone had compared her:

“So I was in high school and there was this boy I liked and he had been talking to me, which I was all for. What I didn’t know was that he was also talking to another girl. He ultimately decided he was going to go with her and I had asked him, “why?” because I wanted to know and I felt like I had the right. So he looked at me and said, “you have a little more in the waist than she does.” “Excuse me?” He said, “she is a little skinnier than you.” I’m like, “are you kidding me? That’s the only reason?” He choked up when he started talking about it. I was like, “Are you f***ing kidding me? Like our waist size is how you’re going to hold us against each other and decide that she was skinnier than the other one?” So he went with the skinnier girl. The second time, I was told I was too light, I guess he was into girls that were black. Honestly, I don’t care, but when you’re getting looked at and you’re being told that you’re too light or white, it’s like what? I was so baffled, like he could have just told me from the start that you like darker girls and I wouldn’t have cared. He came up forward and said, “I don’t see this happening, I’m more attracted to girls of another color.” That was one of the more shocking ones. I was actually compared to my brother. Here’s the story, we were doing a play for our drama department and someone asked him if he found me attractive. He said, “yeah from her neck down.” A friend asked why the neck down. He responded, “from her neck up, she looked too much like her brother.” So when I heard that, I actually broke down. It felt like I was told that I was too manly or too masculine, which hurts. Because then you sit there and question, “am I beautiful? Am I really not that feminine for somebody? And he thinks I look like a man?” Everyone assumes my brother and I are twins, and we’re not, but being told I look like him in my face and that’s why someone didn’t find me attractive. What if I hadn’t shared the similar features that my brother had, would there be difference? Whenever I start thinking about it, I find myself back as that freshman girl in high school. I find myself replaying that whole conversation. What I have learned over 21 years is that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else. If you can’t love yourself then how do you know if someone can love you the way you want to be loved.”

She also gave her tidbit of advice to those who compare women:

“Don’t compare us. Just Don’t. Picture yourself in our shoes. Put yourself in that spot because it’s what happens to girls in today’s world. We get criticized from our hair to our face to our even our voice, and hell, our feet. And you want to go that far. It’s a pain in the ass. If you want to get even more sentimental, put someone who is a female of family relation to you and put them in that spot. Think about how they get told that and you’re not going to like how that sounds. You’re going to say that’s F***ed up, she beautiful. But guess what? When you turn around and do it to another girl, what are you doing? Men need to take a step back, put themselves in that spot and any female family relation including your mom… she had to have gone through that and knows how it feels.”
Anonymous, 21

Being a woman who is compared to other women is unfair and it is just as unfair to compare men by saying they’re all the same. No one person on the earth is the same. Each person has their own personality, style, scent, likes and dislikes; down to our DNA sequence. But we are also not defined to a ‘T’ and put into a black and white box labeled strictly as one thing. No one likes to be compared to anyone, which implies that the individual is not good enough. Let’s stop the stereotypes and learn to like someone for who they are and by being honest with ourselves and others. We need to celebrate the diversity of women and realize that women are a force to be reckoned with.

GIRL POWER!