The truth is, when I told you to “shut up” last week because your story had already taken up five minutes of my life that I will never get back, I wasn’t trying to be funny. I, seriously, with every fiber of my being just wanted you to stop talking.

People often wonder why I’m so mean. Well, to be accurate, the question I get is, “Why are you such a b***h?” Personally, I prefer to be called that than mean. Being mean is just so pedestrian, while being a b***h is about being honest and confident. So I figured I would do some personal reflection and explain everything, once and for all.

1. It will always bother me that you don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re.

Almost as much as it will bother me that you don’t know the difference between your and you’re. Figure it out or expect a comment. On that note, your phone has autocorrect so there is zero excuse for misspelled words over text.

2. If the question is dumb, don’t ask it.

My immediate, “Are you stupid?” response was not meant to make the people sitting around me laugh -- it was a genuine question. If you don’t know if the question is dumb, then it probably is.

3. Understand politics.

Especially in a presidential election year, please have a basic understanding of the political process. And if you have a political opinion, please be prepared to back it up with more than just a news station sound bite. If you don’t, I will call you out on it (see “are you stupid” reference above).

4. Your annoying chewing habits.

Is it really so difficult for you to chew with your mouth closed? No one, and when I say no one I’m not exaggerating, wants to hear the smacking of your food between your teeth. I promise to be the first to tell you leave the room if you cannot control yourself and I will be as impolite as your chewing. Let's leave the vile chewing to the cows, please.

5. When I have my headphones in, I am not open for conversation.

You 100 percent do not have permission to talk to me. It is even more annoying after you realize that I am perfectly content listening to whatever I’m listening to, you motion for me to take them out so I can hear you? I’m letting you know right now, that will never happen.

6. Personal space is extremely important.

If I can tell you what you had for lunch that day, you are definitely too close. Our arms do not need to touch while we are walking. If we are walking in a group, please concentrate on the walking aspect of the group activity, because it seems to be such a challenge for you. If I step on the back of your shoe, or you on mine, we are definitely too close. Keep that in mind when you’re torturing your next victim.

7. Imitation is flattery, but copying is just tacky.

While it's flattering that you want to be me, please make sure to at least wait an acceptable period of time before you run out and buy what I wore yesterday. I am well aware my hair looks good, but that does not give you permission to make the next appointment at my hair salon. Please don't.

Now, I never needed reassurance in the fact that I am a b***h and with good reason, but I’m hoping that this article has given you all of the justification you need. Stop being annoying, and maybe (but probably not) I’ll stop being a b***h!

(These are in no particular order and they all irritate me equally.)