I've never been an emotional person, and I've especially never been a crier.
When I hear people say that they had a good cry last night or that they cry every day, the first thought that runs through my mind is, "Are they serious?"
Call me cold-hearted, but I'm just not a fan of emotions, and I really don't have any.
Sure, I feel happy, excited, angry, sad, anxious, and hopeless at times - a.k.a. "emotions" - but they don't bother me as much as other people.
I've always seen emotions as a sign of vulnerability, because they are. When you express your emotions, you show someone a tiny sliver of your heart. As you develop a stronger relationship with that person over time, whether it be friendly or romantically, you eventually give them a piece of your heart.
While I admire people who are brave enough to show their emotions, I'm just not one of those people; I never have been. I don't think it's because I want to hide my emotions or be "mysterious." I'm actually convinced that I don't process emotions like most people do.
On days when I feel like I'm falling apart, I just pick up the pieces and glue them back together. On days when I feel like I can't catch a breath of fresh air, I keep quiet and talk to God or I write in a journal. When a dog dies in a movie, I feel sad but I don't shed a tear. When something amazing happens, I don't cry tears of joy, I just smile and express how happy I am. When I feel like the world is caving in, I don't cry to my best friend about my problems, I just accept my current situation, feel sad for a few minutes, and move on.
I've always wondered why I'm not an emotional person, just like I've always wondered if it's normal to only cry a few times a year - if that. The way I see it, if I don't cry at all, it means I had a pretty good year. It takes a lot to get me to shed a tear, so when I do cry, it's because something really shitty happened, not because I "had a good cry." Is there such a thing as a "good cry" anyways? I mean, honestly, who wants to smear their mascara, make their face blotchy, and have to explain to someone why their eyes are red and puffy?
In the few times that I have expressed my feelings, they always came back to bite me in the ass. I have this irrational fear that every time I’m vulnerable, someone is going to use it against me, which has happened.
When I think about people sharing their feelings, I think of the bravery and courage it takes to do such a thing, but I also about how much easier it is to keep your feelings hidden under the layers and layers of thick skin you created. I hate explaining myself or feeling like I need to "prove" myself" to someone. Telling someone you feel sad follows with a lot of questions soon after that I just don't want to answer.
As someone who’s not a part of the "emotions rock" fan club, it's a lot easier being single, and kind of necessary. You can't be romantically involved if you don't want to be emotionally involved. I don't deal with my own emotions most of the time, so how am I supposed to deal with the emotions of someone else?
I've always wondered why I have such a difficult time keeping friends around for long periods of time, but I think I've finally figured out the answer: if you're looking for the fun friend, I'm your girl, but if you're looking for the emotional sidekick, you might want to keep looking. I'm not a "deep" person, so I don't know how to “be there” for people. To be honest, talking about feelings really freaks me out. I don't want people knowing what goes on inside this cluttered little head of mine, and I don't know how to respond when they talk about theirs.
I don't know. Maybe I really am cold-hearted. Or maybe I don't understand the importance of being in touch with your emotions. Or maybe I just don't want to be in touch with my emotions.
Even when life is as good as it gets, shit happens and life happens. Even if you stop to catch your breath, life keeps moving at lightning speed.
I don't dwell on a situation or cry about it because it doesn't fix the problem. I'm not going to cry about some stupid boy that broke my heart, because if he broke my heart, it probably wasn't supposed to work out in the first place. I'm not going to cry about a failed psychology class because it's not going to reverse the situation, and at the end of the day I never even needed it. I'm not going to have a "good cry" either; I don't know what that entails and I also don't want to smudge my $24 mascara.
When you tell me about a difficult situation you're going through and I don't show any emotion, it's not that I don't care. When I don't shed a tear while watching "Marley & Me," it's not that I'm cold-hearted. I don't show emotion because I don't want to, don't really know how to, and don't understand why I need to.
It's not that I'm an insensitive person who doesn't care, I'm just not emotional.
