This morning, I said "sorry" in the shower. There was no one else around. Just me, and a too-big pump of shaving cream. I stopped for a second, puzzled by my immediate apology. Who was I saying sorry to? I was apologizing for the excessive amount of shaving cream, but why? Why was I apologizing to myself for the small mistake? It wasn't even that much shaving cream. It spread fine on my legs. I stood in the shower, the water hitting my shoulders, shocked at my reaction.
I say "sorry" too much. I apologize for being in the way, for hitting someone's cart with mine, for walking out of a door when someone is walking in it. For when someone hits my chair. For when someone bumps into me when they rush past. For when my friend sleeps in my bed too long and I have to leave my room. For my opinions. For my anger. For my hurt. For my love. I diminish my existence to an apology. I curl up in chairs to take up as little room as possible. I slide along walls so I don't have to push through crowds. I walk in the grass when a group of five girls takes up the whole sidewalk. My life is an apology. My life is an attempt to make my existence smaller. I don't like taking up room. I don't like upsetting people. I don't like being in the way, being a burden. And so I apologize.
It's damaging to apologize so much. You begin to feel as if it's your obligation to say sorry, no matter the situation. You begin to always feel remorseful. People will believe it's fake due to the excessive amount of apology, but you are always apologetic. You always feel in the wrong. You always feel bad. The remorse is real. You are not much more than contritions and apologies.
Pavana पवन wrote,
"Remember this, girl,
you are half sea.
No one ever asks
the ocean to quiet her storm,
so why do you keep
apologizing for yours?"
I am tired of apologizing for my presence. I don't want to apologize when someone runs into me. I want them to say sorry to me. I want them to acknowledge my existence instead of me lessening it. I am a person, and I shouldn't be apologizing for taking up as much space as everyone else in the world. I am a person, and there is no apology for it.
