I’m not trying to push people away or come across angry a lot of the time. Yes, my temper is quick to rise, I’m quick to react, and I’m constantly ready to defend myself. In truth, I can be hard to love sometimes. But please don’t stop trying.
Just because I may not express it all the time, I do love you. I express it in little ways, like carefully picking out gifts that I know you’ll love, supporting you in your favorite things, and just trying to always be there, whether it be to going out somewhere or just staying in and watching a movie.
I am this way because I’ve been hurt, way too many times to even count. Many people in my life have disappointed me, and I can’t get used to someone actually being there all the time. Lots of people in my life have left, despite me wanting them to stay. So please don’t blame me for being tentative with certain things -- I’m not used to this.
I’m afraid that if I get too comfortable with how things are then they will turn upside down in the blink of an eye. That’s what my experiences have been in life so far. I have a fear of letting people in, of them getting too close to me. What if it doesn’t work out, and they just leave?
I’m not very good at change, or things that are different and new. I want to be open to more experiences in life, but at the same time, I’m scared.
I worry way too much -- I’m sure you know that already though. Anything and everything, past, present, and future; I worry about it. I think up best case and worst case scenarios for everything and try to never set my hopes too high. I just don’t want to be let down again.
I’m working on all of these things -- on my temper, my reactions, and my defensiveness. I’m trying to express myself in better ways, to try new things, and to be open to a lot more. I want to worry less, and just enjoy life. I understand that I won’t always agree with everything, but all I can do is try my best. And I hope you can see that. I’m trying, so hard, whether you know it or not, to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I may be hard to love sometimes, but I love with every inch of my heart.
