I'm Fed Up With Feeling Like I Have To Conform | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Student Life

I'm Fed Up With Feeling Like I Have To Conform

I know it was hard to be happy while trying to fit in but I’m here to tell you, just screw it

157
I'm Fed Up With Feeling Like I Have To Conform
www.imgfave.com

Recently I've decided to say screw it. I have reached the point in my life where I no longer care so, I've decided screw it I am doing things how I want to from now. Let me explain a little. Since I’ve been writing I realized my style was unlike anyone else’s and remains so. Here's an example:

"Languidly, as the ebony abyss gazes without hesitation on to the piercing edges of dawn, a force shone no sign of capture on to the prey that had already expired in its eye. The Prey’s atoms dissolving one by one seeping into the neurological center of the Killer. Submerging into the center’s crevices, exploring every square inch, feeling the walls that will forever be called home, set in the Killer’s islands, blue with the shore brimming in a tundra forcing itself upon it, sweeping the Sights inside. The Sights that come from beyond the tundra, beyond the blue and passed the depths of the navy ocean..."

See what I mean?

I remember being in high school in all of my advanced English classes and feeling like I didn’t belong. Despite getting high grades just like the rest of them, there was an obvious difference. They had the same humor, logical mentality, and overall vibe. It wasn't a bad vibe I just couldn't mesh well with it. I was more abstract. Don't get me wrong, there were a few key people I bonded greatly with in there, (*cough Cory, Ben, Ryan, and Andie). But when called on in class, my input always seemed like it was from another planet but surprisingly, my peers liked it. So, despite not feeling like I belonged, I did fit in.

I wasn’t ever completely happy though because no one could understand fully what I meant. I often times had to hold a lot of what I was thinking back which internally made me feel terrible. All through school I would wonder, “what’s wrong with me?” or “why does my brain process and think like this but no one else does?”. I felt lonely, like they saw me as a different species, I felt like I’d never find anyone like me, let alone write like me.

My writing though is what propelled me through school and not only shocked and mystified my teachers but I gained some notoriety from my peers.

They would say things like, “she’s such a great writer!”, “her writing is so different”. The problem with this was that when I asked why it was, they would respond with “I don’t know.” If I asked if I could get feedback, “I’m not sure what it was about and it was hard to understand but it was good!”. This cancelled out the initial praise I received. In fact, it made me feel a little worse. No one understood:

"Stopping is futile, was it all worth the while?

Seeping in to the starry abyss, doesn’t it make you smile?

Never being missed,

Temptation has you fixated on a midnight Pyre,

Why doesn’t it set off the fire?

Where’s the feeling of going higher?

Where is it at all?

Its all diminished, your heart beats? Those are finished

Isn’t it exquisite? Dancing in a life so simplistic

What? It isn’t? Temptation wasn’t so virtuosic

It didn’t lead to astonishment, only a dead dimension?

Where’s your mind, I don’t see it in your eyes

Has it lost its sight or its insight?


Despite fitting in, I didn’t belong. The closest I’d come to was with my teachers who were able to decipher my writing and tell me why it was good. They told me who I wrote like as well, they pointed me to Jack Kerouac, Stephen King, the 60’s beatnik writers, they told me I wrote in a fashion that wasn’t seen that much anymore called “existentialism” with stream of consciousness. From there, I was able to find famous writers who made me feel good about myself. It felt nice for a little while knowing that the way I wrote could be successful. I was closer to belonging somewhere...but still far off.

Anyway, point is, even now still in my senior year of college I feel that I don’t fully belong. I still feel that a lot of people don't understand me or my writing completely. At this point no one will. There are millions of you out there that will feel this same way and many of you reading this will be going through this same thing. That constant feeling of self doubt, if it's worth it, if you should drop your passion, if you should conform. I tried conforming recently. I absolutely cannot do it. It is not justifiable to me to censor how I am just for the sake of people understanding my writing. Just for the sake of people understanding me. I write the way I do for a purpose, I am how I am for a reason. I'd rather be myself than fit in and be unhappy. I hope the rest of you will say the same.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Adulting

18 Things I Want To Do Now That I'm 18

I'm technically an adult, so I'm legally required to live a little, right?

999
Happy Birthday Cake

For the entirety of my high school career, I was always seen as the goody-two-shoes. I never got in trouble with a teacher, I kept stellar grades, and when I wasn't doing extracurricular activities, I was at home studying. Even when I did go out, it was usually with a bunch of fellow band geeks. The night would end before 11:00 PM and the only controversial activity would be a fight based on who unfairly won a round of Apples-to-Apples when someone else clearly had a better card (I promise I'm not still holding a grudge).

Now that I'm officially an adult, I want to pursue some new things. I want to experience life in a way that I never allowed myself to do prior to entering college. These are the years that I'm supposed to embark on a journey of self-discovery, so what better way to do that than to create a bucket list?

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics

The holiday classics that shaped my life

603
10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics
Flickr

The holiday season is full of stress, debt, and forced conversation. While we rush through the month of December, it's important to take a step back and enjoy the moments before they're gone. Most families love to watch Christmas movies, but these beloved films provide more than entertainment. Here are 10 life lessons that I've learned from the holiday classics we watch every year.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

199693
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Most Epic Aurora Borealis Photos: October 2024

As if May wasn't enough, a truly spectacular Northern Lights show lit up the sky on Oct. 10, 2024

20583
stunning aurora borealis display over a forest of trees and lake
StableDiffusion

From sea to shining sea, the United States was uniquely positioned for an incredible Aurora Borealis display on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024, going into Friday, Oct. 11.

It was the second time this year after an historic geomagnetic storm in May 2024. Those Northern Lights were visible in Europe and North America, just like this latest rendition.

Keep Reading...Show less
 silhouette of a woman on the beach at sunrise
StableDiffusion

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.

When you are feeling down, please know that there are many reasons to keep living.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments