I'm demisexual panromantic.

Demisexual means that you do not have sexual attraction towards anyone until you have formed an emotional connection with them. It usually takes a strong bond for any sexual attraction to form. It can sometimes get confused with asexuality, which is a complete lack of sexual attraction.

Panromantic means that you can be in a romantic relationship with someone male, female, or anywhere in between.

Sexuality is one of the most confusing things that a person has to deal with. No one should have to worry about labels, but once you find a label that you identify with it feels so liberating.

I first found out what demisexual meant my junior year of high school. Up until then, I had no idea what I was. I struggled for a long time. I was raised Baptist in a conservative family in rural Illinois and I just always thought that someday I would find a boy, we would fall in love, we would get married and we would live happily ever after. I didn't really understand what having a crush on someone or dating someone meant. In junior high, I learned that there were different sexualities. I had a vague understanding of what gay people were because of TV and movies, but I didn't understand what it really meant. I honestly just thought that it was an insult because I'd only heard "gay" or "queer" used as insults. I lead a pretty sheltered life, not because my parents were overly strict, but because they just never talked about these things with me; they both had full-time jobs, and it wasn't really at the top of their to-do list.

In sixth grade, my best friend at the time answered all of my questions. She told me everything and I suddenly had a new word in my vocabulary: "bisexual." I had never heard this word before. I had finally understood what gay people were and due to my extremely conservative views, I knew I was not gay. But, someone could be attracted to both genders? How was this possible? If you were bisexual, were you still going to Hell even if you ended up in a straight relationship? I had all of these questions, and they were a little too complicated for my friend to answer. She was also raised Baptist and was going through the same thing I was, but she knew she was bisexual. I was still struggling to understand how someone could be attracted to both genders, but I accepted her. Who was I to say she was wrong?

Junior high was the first place that I formed really close friendships. I had friends in elementary school, but they weren't people I could depend on. I started forming these bonds with my friends and they all were female. Every once and a while, I would think about what it would be like to date one of them, but then I would push those thoughts away. They were all ogling over these male celebrities and I didn't really get it. I would pretend that I felt the same way, but I never saw those men as anything but pretty decent actors. (I'm a theatre major so of course, that was all I paid attention to).

I started realizing that I was developing crushes on my friends and because they were girls I thought I was gay. It only made sense. I was developing crushes on women, so I was gay, right? So, I decided to ignore it. I was a good Christian girl and I was not going to sacrifice that by being gay. By eighth grade, I fell in love with a boy who is still my best friend but unfortunately, he is actually gay; so, he had to break my heart when I asked him out. After that, I got myself an actual boyfriend, but it was your typical junior high relationship; he kissed me on the cheek and we broke up after four months of awkward texting conversations. So to me, it was a legitimate relationship

Growing up, I had low self-esteem. I was an overweight, weird kid who couldn't figure out when to shut up and kids are mean. My freshman year, I started considering relationships with any boy that would talk to me which lead to me finding a boyfriend. He and I dated for almost two years; I was sure I was going to marry this boy. Throughout our relationship, he was very controlling. He became verbally and emotionally abusive and eventually, I stopped spending any time with my friends. Any moment I had belonged to him; I trusted him so much, but I was so scared of him. I never knew if what I was going to say would set him off; I was walking on eggshells. I told myself I loved him, because, if I didn't, I was just some dumb girl in a bad relationship. Before our first kiss, I slowly became more and more attracted to him but after our first kiss, his abusive tendencies happened more often and were more severe. I reached a point where I was no longer attracted to him, but I was terrified of him so I stayed. When the abuse went from verbal to physical, I knew that I could no longer stay in that situation. Who knew when he would hit me again? So, I grew a backbone and said goodbye.

After a year of reckless behavior, a lot of soul searching and reconnecting with my best friends, I finally started liking myself again. I was comfortable with who I was as a person. I started feeling very strongly about LGBTQIA+ rights. I identified as an ally, but I stood up for those in the community. Sometimes, I would joke about being one percent gay. The one percent soon became two, then it was three percent, and then I started identifying as bisexual. I was comfortable saying I was bisexual, but I didn't feel like I fit in the bisexual community. I understood that there were different ratios to bisexuality, but I felt like I wasn't attracted to any gender enough. I had read up on asexuality, but I had been attracted to people before so, that didn't make sense. Then one day while scrolling through Tumblr, I saw a term I had never seen before: demisexual. I asked my friend what it meant and when she explained it to me, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I had never heard someone describe me so perfectly. I finally understood myself. I went home and researched the hell out of demisexuality and that's when I learned another new term: panromantic. The more I started to understand myself, the more I liked who I was. Though I know my family would probably rather I end up with a boy instead of a girl that doesn't really matter to me. I will make my own choices, and they can decide whether or not they're okay with it.

So, here's why you should care:

Not everyone figures out their sexuality right away. Sometimes, they never do. I was lucky and found it at 17, but everyone's different. We all figure things out in our own way and that's okay!

There needs to be more LGBTQIA+ visibility. People need to know that the "A" does not stand for ally because asexual visibility is very important. There are people out there who think they are broken because they have never heard the term "asexual." People need to understand that attraction is different from wanting to have sex and that knowing someone is attractive is different from being attracted to them. Sexuality is confusing enough without taking out all the terms and definitions.

And here's why you shouldn't care:

I'm still human. What you think of me or anyone for that matter should not change just because of sexuality. I'm still the same person I was before I wrote this article and I will remain the same after you read it. Unless you're trying to get into someone's pants, their sexuality should be none of your concern.