Here lately, I have found myself in a state of constant worry that I will never find my person. I say this because of my personal emotions of being single as well as my current environment. My friends from high school and my sorority sisters are in happy, loving relationships. Individuals from my past are now parents and some of these individuals have become equip with someone that makes their heart skip a beat. The movies I find myself watching a shameful amount of times on Netflix are surrounded with romantic themes and engaging, yet heartbroken plot lines. The songs I listening to are about missing a loved one and the emptiness you feel when it's the dark of night. It is almost as if I feel a sense of calming when I hear the songs of heartbreak and of missing the ones you used to utter the three words of true commitment to in the silence of a fight...I find that I long for the event that I will see an old flame and that I will be someone to stop and talk with even if I do not want those old things any longer. Am I setting myself up to feel alone or am I that undesirable?
I find myself in the mist of the pre-Valentine's Day season. Men are buying things for their women and women are buying things to impress their men after a formal dinner has been completed. And I, I am sitting here at a coffee shop thinking about how I am scared to confess a small, puppy-dog crush to someone I have spoken with on several occasions. I have tears in my eyes because I am pathetic in the sense that I shouldn't have this feeling of loneliness. I have so many wonderful friends and so many wonderful sorority sisters to spend the evening with. But yet, I want that deeper connection with someone who will tell me I am beautiful while I sit in my sweatpants with no makeup on my face...is it that I am craving someone to spend a holiday with, or is this feeling something more?
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My heart has been broken more times that I can count. My self esteem and level of confidence has relied on the opinion of my significant other for many years. But now, after almost a year of being alone, I find myself at a dead end. It is almost as if I, a young woman who only feels confident in the dead of night, is standing center stage before a crowd of thousands. I can't seem to discover who I am or how to feel about things. I am struggling to live with the fact that it is okay to be alone and that this is socially acceptable.
For so long, I have been afraid to fall for someone or to even find someone worth uttering, "I love you," to in the midst of a silent moment. My problem is that invest my hopes and dreams into a relationship; and in return, I find myself struggling to pick up the shards of what remains when the shattering words, "It's over," rings in a short and emotionless conversation. I do not trust people when they want to see where things go. I fear that I will not be enough for someone and that I will be in shadows once again. I fear that I will never amount to someone's perfect vision of their future wife. I have this sense of doubt that I will never make someone happy enough to remain my partner until death do we part...
I am afraid that I will fall in love with someone amazing beyond belief while here in my college career. I am afraid that this person will be everything that I have ever imagined and that I will want to spend forever with this individual. I am terrified to think that this person will be my definition of perfect and that this person will see the beauty in all of my flaws. I fear that this person will be the individual that wants to spend forever by my side and will want to begin a life with me shortly after graduation. I am pained to imagine that this person will see my imperfections and that these will be their favorite things about me. I find myself brought to tears to consider that notion that this man will hear about my past and will want to cherish those things because they made me who I am today. But, even more, I am deeply saddened to think that this person, this man that I have painted in my imagination, doesn't actually exist.
Maybe I am setting myself up for failure in the love department, or maybe I am just afraid that I will be hurt again. It is possible that I am so terrified to be hurt once more that I do not want to put myself out there again. It seems plausible that I am ignoring signs and signals from someone because I don't feel like I am ready to be what is considered, "a girlfriend figure" at this very moment. Regardless of my subconscious reasoning for these feelings and fears, I hope that my Mister Right is out there. I hope this man, wherever or whoever he is, is ready to handle my shattered heart with care and is prepared to calm all of my fears because I am getting ready to love you. I am learning how to be okay with who I am in this world so that when you meet me, you will know I am your forever.
