I just barely crossed the line from 21 to 22, scarier than 21 ever was.
21 was a time for me to scream, "Yeah, I'm an adult and I can drink beer! Cool!" and, "I'm old enough to go bar hopping and walk into a liquor store, but not old enough to have my life figured out, sweet!"
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That's not really how it went, but close enough.
Each year, I have had the privilege to say that each year gets better than the last and that is absolutely true. I thank God for that. I wouldn't be able to say that if it wasn't for Him watching over my life.
Yet this year, while it brought wonderful blessings, and as to be expected, countless hardships, one thing I would not have counted as a hardship is the endless bickering and unsolicited life advise of getting married.
I want to say this first and foremost: my heart honestly bursts with gratitude, love and celebration as I watch many of my friends and acquaintances get asked to spend the rest of their lives with the one they love. Really, it actually gets out of hand. On the fourth of July weekend, two of my best friends got engaged and I cried about it for the next three days. Uncontrollable emotion.
I know it's weird and to even say that my heart is grateful for the union of two people (friends or strangers alike), is a strange thing to say but, when you have watched divorce ruin and tear apart a family, your own family, the way you view love changes.
Yet, I think once you reach that place of healing, that place of forgiveness, once you get past the pain of watching love crumble, you never want anyone to experience that. So naturally, when you see two people in love commit to each other for life and eternity, you thank God that love still exists even if you didn't get to experience it with your family or for yourself yet.
So, here I am. I am celebrating with every young couple, new couple, love-struck couple that wants to spend life together. I pray God bless your union, your commitment to walk this life together.
That being said, let me celebrate and let me be.
There is this newfound societal pressure that screams, "Where is your ring?! Where's your husband?! Are you married? Find yourself a spouse!" and my all-time favorite, "It's your call as a woman!" (sense the sarcasm and eye roll here, folks).
Another thing I should add to this millennial rant before I go on is: once my parents divorced, every dream I ever had to get married flew out the window along with my parent's marriage. I was bitter for a long time and absolutely terrified. How could God allow this to happen to two people who loved and served Him? Where did they go wrong? Where did we go wrong?!
I have only been in one relationship and God didn't allow for that relationship to come about until I was 17. Still young, I know. Super young. What the heck did I know? Nothing. All I knew was that which I wanted.
When that relationship ended (I was 19), I decided selfishly that I would never marry, I would never fall in love and that I wouldn't seek or ask for a husband. I had spent so much time in prayer (seven years to be exact), for a husband, for a lifelong partner who would love me right and most importantly, love God, something my parents instilled in me at an extremely young age.
Really, that desire of staying single, of hating marriage and thinking that love wasn't real after experiencing heartache in my own life and in the life of my family, was complete selfishness. After several years, I now know better.
To hate marriage, to hate singleness is not of God.
I can't see who or what God is preparing for my future, but I know that because I am His child, it is all for my good.
Here's the bottom line, from one single girl to, well everyone, ever.
To every adult, every stranger, every family member who keeps asking me, begging me, pressuring me to settle down, to find a good man: please stop.
The truth is, I am not ready. Marriage as of now is not my calling. I have a single mother at home, an 11-year-old sister who is growing up without her father and a 19-year-old sister who is trying to successfully make the transition to adulthood, who needs someone to lead by example. She's doing a great job by the way. I admire her so much.
Right now, my calling is to take care of them, be there for them, love them, make sacrifices for them. All while I look to Christ to show me the woman He wants me to be.
I have learned from both my parents what it takes to be a wife and what to look for in a husband, how to preserve a marriage, as well as the do's and dont's. Their divorce, however surprisingly, taught me so much more about marriage.
Ultimately however, God is my teacher. Because of my fears of marriage and divorce, I continually depend on God to show me how to love and most importantly, how to receive love. As soon as I step out of my identity in Christ, the panic kicks in and I run from the idea of marriage.
Let me say this: fear of any kind is not of God and being miserable while single is definitely not of God either.
My questions to those pressuring me to be a wife and mother are: is being single so miserable that I must ask God to send me a husband? Is my singleness out of the will of God for my life? Is being single not a gift? Is being single not of God? Is the only plan for me, a plan that includes marriage?
Am I not to enjoy singleness? Am I only meant to complain? Be miserable?
The moment I begin to complain of my singleness, the moment I tell or imply to God that singleness is not enough for me, I am acting in unbelief. I am essentially telling God and myself that I do not believe that His ways are better, that His ways are greater. I am basically saying that His plan is not enough.
Ecclesiastes 3 talks about how there is a reason and season for everything.
Right now I am in a season of being a daughter, big sister, a student, a friend, a caretaker before I am to be a wife. Right now, my family is my priority, focusing on the present. That is what Christ wants of me. He wants me to praise Him in my singleness because guess what? Even in my singleness, my God is still good, He is still faithful. Even if the world tells me that I am falling behind, running out of time, that I am wrong for not pursuing marriage.
My time is in His hands, not yours, not the worlds. My plans are in His hands, my heart and God willing, my future husband is too, in His hands. I am not called to figure it out, I am not called to chase after a relationship. I am called to trust- that means trusting that He has the best in store for me. That means right now, being single is what I am called to do.
And here's a shocker: I am enjoying every minute. It's not rushed and contrary to such a popular, sad belief, I do have my whole life ahead of me.
So please, stop trying to plan out my life, stop trying to find me a husband. Stop trying to make me doubt that where I am now is not where God wants me to be. Stop making me feel like I am running out of time, or that I should be embarrassed that I am not next in line to say, "I do."
Let me instead, celebrate the marriages of my friends, the engagements, the faithful relationships I get to witness. Let me encourage those struggling with singleness to rejoice and be glad. To wait on the Lord, to trust in Him again, that His ways are better and greater than anything we could ask or think.
Let me celebrate others, let me celebrate this time in my life. Let me celebrate every day knowing that my life is in His hands.
It is not up to you, it is not up to me. I serve a God who is bigger than what I can see in the natural.
I am only 22. I have so much to learn, so much that I don't have figured out. So much that I have to grow from.
Lastly, I want to know that I love God not because of who He gives me or what He gives me.
But that I love Him simply because of who He is.
I don't want to think that I would love God "more" if "only" I were married. That I would only be truly, genuinely happy if I had a husband.
Unfortunately, I know so many young ladies out there feel this way.
Instead of this, let's ask God to teach us how to love Him and Him alone FIRST, without condition, without any strings attached (or men attached). Let us ask God to remove any lie that tells us because we are not married, He is robbing us of something good.
Marriage is good, but being where God wants us to be is better.
Let us ask God to prepare us, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true, just like the song says. Whether our sanctuary looks like one of singleness or marriage it is up to God.
Let's ask God that we not cave to the pressure and oppression from those around us, that tell us that being single is wrong, or miserable or not of God. Let us instead shut off those voices and tune into God's voice. Ask Him, not everyone else.
He will tell you what you need to know, and He will give you what (and if he wants, who) He wants to give you.
Trust Him. Whatever His plans are, and again, they are good, they haven't changed. Just enjoy wherever you are right now in life.
It's good enough.
Whatever God has in store for you, will make it's way to you. Just trust in God's timing. Not everyone else's.
That's what matters.
