‘Twas a brisk autumn night in the city of Champaign

Our football team; ten yards they can barely gain

The drunks; they trip and fall

Sorority girls; the night before they cannot recall 

 But with Fall comes the most glorious of times

Where I’m way too tired to try and come up with these damn rhymes

Where everyone sips on a little Coke and Jack

Where guys try to take a peak at your rack

But hark! Lend your ear to the sound of Darius Rucker

Where in “Wagon Wheel” he is quite literally a mother trucker

So strap on your boots as you slur and prance 

For it is a magical time of year known as barn dance 

Jean shorts, boots, flannels, take your pick 

Everyone knows you’re not really a hick 

But just know, in those short shorts, we can see your butt 

Why the hell is this barn playing ‘Turn Down For What”   

And as the night wears on as you sit by the fire 

A pain hits your stomach; a hungry desire 

Then out from the shadows, comes a sweet old lady holding a basket of Chex Mix 

To help soak up the alcohol, so we stop acting like a bunch of drunken pricks    

There’s a twinkle in her eye, that says “Oh you crazy young whippersnapper”

But don’t judge lady, you probably did the same when you were a young flapper 

So as you grab of handful of this salty, delicious treat 

You forget all about your date, whose expectations you surely did not meet   

As you look up at this dear lady; the sky begins to drizzle 

“Are you an angel?” you ask bequizzled 

She smiles, and says nothing, turns around and walks away 

Dammit woman, come back, won’t you and your Chex Mix stay? 

But she carries on, walking into the dark abyss 

And after many beers, you finally realize you have to piss 

But as you stand there in the outhouse, you can’t get the lady out of your mind 

Watch out, the toilet seat is a place I would not put your behind 

Finally, the night comes to an end 

You have probably destroyed many relationships in the night that you cannot mend 

And as the last bus begins to depart 

And you gas your date with a drunken fart   

You look out the window, as many girls drunkenly cry 

But you sit there, pondering, and sigh 

Who is this magical Chex Mix lady who brings us such joy? 

Whose kindness makes me weep like a wee little boy?  

She is but the one and only Loretta. 

Dammit, nothing rhymes with Loretta. 

But I’d like to see you do betta’.