Dear Donald,

We once again find ourselves in the midst of a crisis of unprecedented proportions. I am referring, of course, to illegal immigration. Nothing in the history of this country parallels the calamity that illegal immigration rains down upon us daily (in line with your administration’s overall attitude toward AfricanAmericans, I am ignoring every problem they have ever whined about. I hope you can understand.) It is truly offensive that the problem has been allowed to exist for this long, and I, as a patriotic American, stand behind your efforts to end it, once and for all.

This country was founded on the basic principal that a people had the power to decide for themselves how they ought to be governed. Stamp tax? Fuck that shit. Sudden enforcement of policies after years of non-enforcement by a distant government? Hell no! Our Founding Fathers gave the world a role model for the power of the people, for independence, for civil rights (again, barring the complaints of African-Americans. But—and Jeff Sessions would agree with me here--they’re only 3/5 of a person anyway, so it doesn’t really matter), and it is our responsibility as 21^st century Americans, to uphold that legacy.

Your immigration reform policies pledge to end the tyranny that illegal immigrant population wields without remorse against millions of honest, hardworking Americans every single day. Middle-class families who want to see America restored to the greatness of the Founding Era are triggered by any mention of ‘illegal immigrants’ and ‘Hispanics,’ and they spend hours spiraling through depression and rage (one can argue that it’s good for therapists and Big Pharma, I suppose, until one considers that therapy was made to reassure bad wives that their husbands were in fact ‘abusive’ and that Big Pharma deceives millions of Americans into believing that their mental health is worse than it actually is. Big Pharma stole that from your playbook, by the way. I don’t think you should stand for that.) Furthermore, illegal immigrants throw these families are thrown into the deep, dark well of human degeneracy, for these families are so enraged by the existence of illegal immigrants, that they are forced to think racist things and feel genuine hatred for a group of people they barely know (your wives do the same thing to you, do they not? Force you to behave in ways that most people would consider unacceptable.) Illegal immigrants are essentially waging psychological warfare against the average American, and if the Citizens Commission on Human Rights 2014 report “Total Number of People Taking Psychiatric Drugs in the United States” is to be believed, they are winning, as that report says that in 2013, over 41 million Americans were taking anti-depressants, with over 26,000 of those individuals being between the ages of 0 and 2. Among the other ways that Illegal Immigration poses a threat to American citizens, it is clearly a severe psychological threat, to our nation’s workers and their children (I have concluded this using your system of logic, Sir, drawing conclusions based on scant research and what I want reality to be. Again, I hope you don’t mind that I’m borrowing your tactic.)

The economic hardships they create are worse. In February 2016, an analysis performed by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy concluded that illegal immigrants contribute more than $11.6 billion in tax dollars at the state and local level, and that, had Obama’s executive orders on illegal immigration had been approved by the Supreme Court, they would have contributed roughly $805 million more annually. Those are $11.6 billion dollars that the federal government could be getting from the American people, but it is instead sucking it up from the hands of dirty, dirty illegal workers, because the federal government is unscrupulous and cares little about how it makes money. Every day the federal government accepts money from illegal immigrants, it is hurting the pride of workers who want to do their part to make America the best country in the world (and you care a lot about wounded pride. Imagine if you hadn’t been allowed to create Trump University. How else could you have swindled thousands of people—7,000, if reports about the number of plaintiffs involved in the New York vs. Trump Entrepreneur Initiative LLC. lawsuit are to be believed—out of millions of dollars? Probably countless other ways, but you wouldn’t have been able to do it by claiming your own stake in the centuries-old and highly acclaimed ivory tower.)

And thank goodness that the Supreme Court blocked Obama’s executive orders. $805 million more dollars would have added insult to injury. First he essentially gives them amnesty, and then he says ‘fuck you America” by taking money from people who aren’t American. Terrible President. Unethical president.

As far as the real-world impact that illegal immigrants have on the working class, it should be pointed out that when an illegal immigrant takes a job that an American worker is perfectly qualified for, not only is it infuriating for that worker, but he/she is also helpless. Instead of being educated about how hard it is for illegal immigrants to live in this country, and on the countless thousands of reasons why illegal immigrants might want to come to this country, they are tossed into the great unknown of the job market, and are forced to chew on their anger like it’s an Everlasting Gobstopper made by a vindictive Willy Wonka. There are no resources to help these people have compassion for the illegal immigrants, who are struggling just as much as, if not more than, they are, and yet, they are expected to behave ‘civilly’ and to ‘think of the greater good.’ Ridiculous.

In summary, Mr. President, I think you can understand why illegal immigration is problematic for our country. It pits American workers against the dream of a perfect America with relentless cruelty, resulting in a plague of psychological distress that can be thought of as a form of terrorism. After throwing their brains into a chemical whirlwind, it then undermines their ability to contribute to the functioning of the state and federal governments ($11.6 billion out of $3.5 trillion is a significant chunk of money). It deals yet another blow to their pride by denying them the resources to learn more about illegal immigration, which consequently denies them the ability to astound the liberal wing of the country with its abundance of compassion and mercy. Mr. Trump, I implore you to end the tyranny that these foreign agents use against us daily (and yes, in this instance, foreign agents ARE interfering with the lives of the average American. No need to deny intelligence reports proving that this time, because there are no intelligence reports suggesting that. Everyone just knows it’s true because Breitbart news says it is, and because your twitter feed is full of affirmations about how damaging illegal immigration is.)

Muchos gracias,

Nicholas Capone