A lot of times, when you meet a person for the first time, you will make an automatic assumption about this person based on something they do. There’s no shame in that; it can only be described as classic human nature. When you meet me, most people comment on my face and how I look. I met a doctor yesterday who told me I looked like “I could kick most people’s ass if I wanted to”. The truth is, that’s just my face. Granted, I COULD kick most people’s asses…if I wanted to. I didn’t always look like this though. I didn’t always feel the need to have a “resting bitch face” and I didn’t feel the need to be annoyed with people or to be protective whenever a car backfires. I was not always like this.

When I speak to most people about myself, they will tell me they think I am the strongest person they have ever met. I haven’t always been like that either. To be completely honest, 2016 was probably the worst year I’ve had. At that rate, it is what it is. Everyone I love and care about is alive, so there is not much to complain about. I was not always like this though. I did not always have a mean face on, I was not always someone would cross the street to avoid. I have been hurt to the point were putting this face on was my only choice.

My story begins back in January. I was driving with my boyfriend of the time on a highway outside Penn State. We were traveling at 72 mph. We were arguing. The next thing I knew, he yanked the steering wheel towards him in the passenger seat as hard as he could. We flew. The car spun out of control and began smoking and we hit the guard rail, right into oncoming traffic. The experience was horrifying. Every time to this day when I hear the “skkrt skkrt” of a car, I go into panic mode. I’ve personally had to pull over because I did not think I could continue to drive. That was the first time. Again in May, arguing with the same ex-boyfriend, screaming at each other. I am stubborn I will admit it and he tried to walk away. We had been together for four years; I just did not feel that that would have been the best way to leave us. I stepped in front of him to block him from walking past. He immediately grabbed my arms. As retaliation, I went to knee him but I did not want to hurt him, for he was someone I loved. He began to choke me, not letting go until I turned blue. And when he was done he looked at me and said “Don’t be so dramatic, you didn’t even pass out”. Sometimes when I’m in a tough situation, I hear him say those words and somehow it encourages me.

I’ve decided to share my story, for a couple of reasons. The first is to admit that while yes this did mess me up for a long time, to the point where I was depressed and had to see a therapist, I have decided to forgive him. The question I’ve been asked so many times is “why didn’t you press charges?” Okay I get it. Someone almost kills me twice and I don’t press charges? The truth is, I wanted it to be over. I wanted to stop thinking of this and to stop having to tell this story. If I had gone to the police, I’d still be repeating the same story to different people probably at least once a day. Instead once a day, I spend my time with someone different, I spend my time with someone who taught me what love and life could really be about, even if he didn’t realize he was teaching me these things. Instead once a day, I wake up and smile. I fear I would still be in my depression if I had press charges.

The most important thing I learned from this is that, no matter what would happen to him as punishment, it would not change what he did to me. Nothing will change what he did to me. What I really wanted was to be okay again. I wanted to be able to drive without such fear in my life or wake up in the morning willing to get out of bed and smile and work the best I can for myself right now and myself in the future. I learned a great deal of forgiveness from this because in order to continue living, some things just have to be forgiven. He tried to physically destroy me and my life twice, I cannot allow that to destroy my life mentally forever. My favorite quote to get me through this situation comes from the movie Inside Out: “The best part about hitting rock bottom is there is no place to go but up!”