There are two quick thoughts racing through your head as you lay on the bed with your head propped on a pillow.
First.
You like the feeling of your poop emoji plush a lot, and you wish you had three more.
Second.
You really want to kiss that boy.
Out of the two, one emotion is more apparent. It’s nagging at you, and you’re a little restless at the idea of letting it happen, but you really want it.
Or is it just your mind playing tricks on you? Your hormones reacting? That pulse of yours is racing, and it’s really bothering you.
One kiss wouldn’t hurt too much, right? You overthink it constantly, what one kiss would do.
It could play out in a few ways.
He could really like it.
You would wait, staring at him a moment longer, assessing those irises of iridescence, and then it would happen. You would say something silly, causing a chuckle to erupt from him, and a giggle to escape from you. You’d let the laughter play out, loving the way his adam’s apple bobbed up and down, and the way his lips smacked against one another. You would finally allow yourself to lean in, only slightly, just to see if at that point he would lean in, too. You’d curl your lips, let your tongue glide across the inside of your cheek. Then finally, when the moment was a second too long, you’d move in and kiss him.
You’d kiss him and it would satisfy you. You liked his ideas, his voice, his hair, his eyes, and just simply the way he said your name. It wasn’t all too often that a boy said your name in such an appealing way.
After that he’d call you more. You’d be on the phone with him for hours on end, discussing thoughts about your lives, and maybe the way things could’ve ended up. You’d tell your friends, mostly all of the girls, because the guys didn’t care to know specifics like you. Your friends would question your impulsive desires, because you’ve done this before. But they’d understand, because they too got lost in his irises of iridescence.
But maybe it wouldn’t play out that way.
Maybe he wouldn’t like it. Maybe he would see you trying to lean in with those pink things of yours, and question your motives. He would question why you wanted this to happen, and why you wanted to take the risk when it could cause your friendship to crumble. You two were just starting to bond, and you really hadn’t been at school long enough to know what you wanted. Maybe he would look you once over, and decide that he wanted to stay friends, because he was just as confused as you. Or maybe just simply didn’t want it… Would that be bad?
Maybe, he would let you kiss him, if only for your lips to feel satisfied, to feel whole, to feel warm…
Maybe he would let you kiss him, but realize after that you didn’t want to.
Maybe you would bask in those few moments of shared passion, of shared vision, of feeling a common emotion that others always felt.
Maybe after those few moments of shared passion, you would realize it was over in that instant. Maybe your craving would be obliterated, and maybe you wouldn’t want to share that passion with him any longer.
Maybe it was just impulsive.
You always lived in the moment, and you never let yourself come short of what you wanted.
Maybe it wouldn’t be bad to just wait.
Maybe, you think then, that now isn’t the time. You play the situations over in your head a few more times, noting that each of them had many outcomes, and maybe you weren’t ready to take those on.
Maybe you should just wait.
You have four years to think, four years to choose, four years to make more outcomes.
You hear your name being called by him, and you hadn’t realized that you zoned out, with your poop emoji plush in hand.
You let yourself revel in the way he says it once more.
It can’t hurt to let yourself feel this way, but your thoughts had already answered your questions for you.
Maybe you shouldn’t.
Even if you wanted to….
But you could.
If you wanted.
You end your cycle of thoughts by telling yourself you have a while, and your decisions will always lead to outcomes, and those outcomes will always be either positive or negative. You tell yourself once more that you can kiss him, if you wanted. You tell yourself once more that you can kiss him, if he wanted. And you tell yourself once more, you have a while, if you wanted.
