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If The Guys I've Hooked Up With Were Cars

Proving my counselor right — I dehumanize people.

Myles Webb

Dec 06, 2016

Loyola Marymount University

If The Guys I've Hooked Up With Were Cars

*WARNING: If you are MY MOM, don’t read this!

**If you are a friend of my mom: Don’t read this!

***If you suffer from increasingly high-blood pressure and frequent fainting spells: See your doctor.

Men and cars are basically the same thing. Here is a list of guys I’ve doinked, if they were cars.

The First Guy I Dated for a Year: A Toyota Corolla (2006)

Pros: Comfortable; complacent; my parents approved; not a ton of maintenance, safe.

Cons: Got boring to drive

Summary: A comfortable car — great for first-time drivers.

The Guy with a Honda Prelude: A Honda Prelude (1996)

Pros: This car was cool in high school...

Cons: ...Is not cool anymore.

Summary: Honda has done better, and so have I.

The Conservative Right-Wing Republican: A Mercedes G-Class (1986)

Pros: Won't depreciate (a rich person actually told me that's why rich people love this fugly vehicle); I would probably be very comfortable if I stuck with this car.

Cons: My mom (Prius driver) would HATE this; all of my progressive friends (Prius drivers) would HATE this.

Summary: It was fun, and if I dropped my values, it could've worked. But unfortunately, no.

The Swedish Guy: Volvo Station Wagon (2003)

Pros: Oddly stylish, if not a little too utilitarian; Still looked good for being an older model.

Cons: It was too mature a car for my tastes right now.

Summary: If you can find a Volvo close to your age, I recommend buying it long-term.

The Rocket Scientist: A Tesla Model S (2013)

Pros: Very smart feeling, I would love this lifestyle.

Cons: Vaguely cold, lacking emotion, kind of like Elon Musk himself.

Summary: Driving this car made me feel smarter, but "smarter" isn't what I'm looking for.

The Guy Who Said “Slap Me!": Chevy SSR (2006)

Pros: Conversation starter; felt different/interesting.

Cons: You need to be very open-minded; just not practical for a daily driver.

Summary: Once or twice is fun. After that, you will probably ask yourself: “What kind of person do I have to be to own this car?”

The Dude Who Delivered Pizzas for a Living: A Subaru Impreza with a little "Pizza" sign on top.

Pros: Hot and efficient; always came within 30 minutes.

Cons: Felt greasy.

Summary: Even if the pizza is bad, it’s still pretty good.

All of My Future Hookups/Loves: The Mercedes-Benz ‘Luxury in Motion Self-Driving Car’ Concept

Pros: Think about the potential! Self-driving capabilities; luxurious amenities; large doors!

Cons: This car could explode, no one knows.

Summary: Love is an exciting and dangerous game, just like driving.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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If The Guys I've Hooked Up With Were Cars

Proving my counselor right — I dehumanize people.

*WARNING: If you are MY MOM, don’t read this!

**If you are a friend of my mom: Don’t read this!

***If you suffer from increasingly high-blood pressure and frequent fainting spells: See your doctor.

The First Guy I Dated for a Year: A Toyota Corolla (2006)

The Guy with a Honda Prelude: A Honda Prelude (1996)

The Conservative Right-Wing Republican: A Mercedes G-Class (1986)

The Swedish Guy: Volvo Station Wagon (2003)

The Rocket Scientist: A Tesla Model S (2013)

The Guy Who Said “Slap Me!": Chevy SSR (2006)

The Dude Who Delivered Pizzas for a Living: A Subaru Impreza with a little "Pizza" sign on top.

All of My Future Hookups/Loves: The Mercedes-Benz ‘Luxury in Motion Self-Driving Car’ Concept

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

Because you need it in your life.

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!