Politics is a game just like basketball. So why don't politicians receive annual awards for their tough play and drive for success? No one truly knows the answer, but what I do know is that politicians deserve awards just like athletes.
For an election that was just as hysterical as it was historical, 2016 brought out the best and worst of all politicians. This is the reason why I have drafted a slightly satirical list of awards meant for athletes but in this case given to politicians. Unsurprisingly, some awards are just as sarcastic as the politicians themselves.
The Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Barbara Bush
Anyone that argues that first ladies are not politicians, well, their simply wrong. The first lady who is no longer with us and deserves the tribute in this column for her hard work and steadfastness is Barbara Bush; the wife of George H.W. Bush and mother of George W. Bush. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican, you cannot deny that Mrs. Bush devoted a lot of her life to combatting AIDS, writing for opinion columns, and advocating for the female role in politics.
The Defensive Player of the Year Award goes to Donald Trump
Mr. Trump wins the Defensive Player of the Year Award for his splendid job denying his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels. He showed great management skills by ordering Michael Cohen to pay her $130,000 to stop running her mouth. What a way to give back to the community! Bravo Mr. Trump! Let it be duly noted, that your defensive remarks have not gone unnoticed. Some of us are even starting to believe Daniels is telling the truth!
The Hustle Award goes to Bernie Sanders
This award goes to Bernie Sanders for campaigning on a platform that would probably never exist in America, and not giving up even at the sight of that revelation. We were all pretty surprised you didn't have an aneurysm on stage, so congrats for putting up a fight. For that, you get the Hustle Award.
The Assist of the Year Award goes to the Russians
It was a unanimous decision to give the Russians this award due to their unforgettable performance in the 2016 presidential election. The technological savviness and hacking skills exemplified during the American election day resulted in an incredulous assist for Donald Trump's victory.
The Block of the Year Award goes to the Supreme Court
The 5-4 decision to uphold Donald Trump's travel ban wins the US Supreme Court the Block of the Year Award. Their decision resulted in the denial of any immigrants coming to America if they are from the countries of Yemen, Syria, North Korea, Venezuela, Libya, Somalia, and Iran. Please tell me justices, how does this award make you feel?
The Play of the Year Award goes to Donald Trump
The second award of this showcase for President Donald Trump sums up one of the reasons why he won the 2016 election: playing dirty. Even though this is not accurately named the "Dirty Play of the Year Award", President Trump is still the obvious victor for when he bought the rights to opponent Jeb Bush's website, and made it so that whenever anyone tried to go on to Bush's website, it would redirect to Mr. Trump's campaign website. Clever, ruthless, and just plain fowl. Congratulations Mr. Trump it looks as if you are finally becoming a politician.
The Sportsmanship Award goes to Kim Jung Un
Even though the North Korean dictator would rather be lighting off nukes while listening to Katy Perry with James Franco, as depicted by the hit comedy The Interview, he took time off his busy schedule to meet with President Trump at the Singapore Summit. Thus, is the reason why Kim Jung Un has won the Sportsmanship Award. Even if he didn't leave Asia, he did finally turn off the song "Fireworks."
The MVP Award goes to "Deez Nuts"
Last but not least, it is the moment you have all been waiting for. It's time for the Most Valuable Politician Award. This one is a Cinderella Story as the unanticipated candidate arose in an election no one even knew he was a running in. For his 15% of votes in the North Carolina Democratic Primary, the MVP award goes to "Deez Nuts".
That's a wrap, folks. See you again next year.
