Five years ago this fourth of July my grandfather passed away. He was like a father to me, someone I always thought would be there to see me graduate college and walk down the aisle. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle. However, he won't be there for these events. On the fourth of July in 2015 my grandfathers heart came to a stop in his favorite grey recliner. I had seen him two days before for my Nonnie's birthday party and I gave hime a hug and he gave me three kisses on the cheek, the usual. I had friends over for the party so being the dumb teenager that I was, I focused on my friends more thinly family. All I remember is that hug and waving goodbye to him and my Nonnie. That was the last time.

If heaven wasn't so far away I would tell him that I love him. I would tell him that I am working hard in school so that I can make him proud, he always cared about my grades. Every time I get an A I think of him and what he would say to him. I want to let him know that I am succeeding because of him. He was the one that had kept me accountable my entire life and just because his gone doesn't mean that I have stopped trying. I would also introduce my grandfather to my boyfriend. My boyfriend wants to join the military and since my grandfather was in the military I think they would have a lot to talk about. I want them to meet and have a conversation, just so he can approve of the man I believe I am going to marry. If he cannot walk me down the aisle all I want if for them to meet, but that will never happen.

My fathers mother and grandmother died when I was a child, I think around the ages of 4 and 7 but truthfully I can't remember. I also cannot remember them. I have flashes of moments, like doing a handstand in someone living room and ladybugs, One of them loved lady bugs. However, thats all I remember. I can't even recall what they looked like when I was younger. I see them holding me or posing for a picture and its like I am looking into the eyes of a stranger.

If heaven wasn't so far away I would have a conversation with them. All I want is to know them, on some level or any level for that matter. If I could look into their eyes and study their faces I would be elated. It is corny to say but I feel like there is something in my life that is missing because I can't remember them. They are blank. Since, I was able to understand the meaning of life and death the only thing I want to know is what their voices sound like. Unlike my grandfather I don't need approval; I need to know something about them.

If heaven wasn't so far away I wouldn't be afraid of death. I believe in life after death but the fear doesn't subside just because I believe. When I die I don't want that to be it. I want to be able to check on my future children and grandchildren. I want to know them and I want hem to know me. If heaven was only a mile away or had a staircase then I would be afraid to pass on one day. The truth however is that heaven is far, so far that those who go their can only get there by death and once you are there you can never return to the ones you want to see one more time.