As a child, I loved princesses. When someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d say “princess.” My bedroom was princess themed, my clothes were all from the Disney Store, and all I’d watch after school was Disney movies. To this day, I still love them and secretly want to be one #noshame. However, I am slightly ashamed the I watch The Bachelor. It’s very entertaining but I mean come on. Can it get any more shallow and petty? Regardless, it makes me happy, so I figured I’d mix something that makes eighteen-year-old me happy with something that makes eight-year-old me happy and put the Disney Princesses on The Bachelor.
1. Belle: the smart one
Belle would be the one that is way too smart to be on a show where you compete for your husband. She’s probably graduated from some Ivy League and has a steady job. She’s got a lot going for her but instead she chose to be on one of the pettiest shows in the entire world.
2. Sleeping Beauty: the one you probably hate
Kinda ditzy. Kinda into herself. Has three old women nannying her as a grown adult. She’s inheriting a kingdom she didn’t even know she had until she was sixteen. She’s never actually pursued a guy, she’s only been pursued. She demands to be kissed just to get out of bed in the morning. Who does that?
3. Snow White: the true romantic
Snow White genuinely wants to find love. She’s not in it for the exposure, the drama, the fame. No. She’s lived with seven short, temperamental, elderly men in a worn down cottage in the middle of nowhere her whole life. She knows what she doesn’t want in a man because of her past, so she’s ready for the real deal.
4. Mulan: the female dude
She probably isn’t used to wearing dresses and plays a lot of sports. She and the bachelor joke around and have a lot of fun together because they can relate. They’re both pretty masculine and just want to make other people proud of them.
5. Pocahontas: the secretive one
She’s the exotic one with the past. Does she have a fiancee? Does she talk to a tree? She sits on the couch with the other ladies and just listens. No one really knows much about her because she doesn’t share. When someone, including the bachelor, asks her a question, she responds very eloquently and meaningfully with a stoic grace that all of the other girls are jealous of.
6. Ariel: the one that just wants to be on TV
This girl. She brushes her weave (dyed a very bright and obnoxious red because *uniqueness*) with a fork because it makes her more “lovable.” She was even willing to give up her voice- HER VOICE- to come on the show. Why, Ariel? Why?
7. Cinderella: the crier
Doesn’t have the prettiest dress? Cries. Other girls are mean to her? Cries. Doesn’t get the first impression rose? Cries. And then when she finally starts to get ahead, she won’t talk to anyone because she’s in a daze and demands she is in love with the bachelor even though they barely spoke.
8. Merida: the one that leaves all by herself
Merida has absolutely no tolerance for any of these self-centered, shallow girls and a game to get a guy even though she is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. She didn't actually apply to be on the show, one of her friends or family members submitted her. She figures she’ll give it a chance to make everyone happy, but she gets so irritated by the silly little games and decides that she's had enough. So, she leaves the show to go change her fate.
9. Rapunzel: the innocent one
Rapunzel has never dated another guy. She’s in a completely new territory and just wants her mom. She likes to sit criss-cross-applesauce and go barefoot because she cannot, for the life of her, sit still or walk in heels. She likes to paint and read and play make believe and just have a grand old time making friends and whatnot.
10. Moana: the one that interrupts everyone
This girl will not, I repeat, will not allow for anybody to stand in her way. In her words, she is Moana of Motonui. She proclaims her presence in this way whenever approaching the bachelor during his conversations with the other girls. She demands to be heard.
11. Elsa: the strong skeptic
Elsa wants a man who can accept her as a strong and independent woman, so she feels no need to sit around and waste time if all the bachelor is looking for is to get with the ladies. Consequently, she asks him straight up “what are you looking for?” She is secretly a romantic and girly girl, but she lets off that she finds these things unimportant and is focused on her career and betterment of herself as a person.
12. Anna: the one that just wants everyone to be happy
Anna isn’t in the mood to make enemies. She’s just on the show because she wants to find a nice guy and, if it happens, make some friends along the way. She was once engaged to an utter jerk who was only using her for her money and status, so she’s over the whole “find my own guy” thing and figures that if a whole bunch of girls like the bachelor, he must be a decent-ish human being.
13. Jasmine: the slutty one
Jasmine is NOT a fan of shirts. She’s probably the vainest of all the contestants with her hair always done and her jewelry always on. She brushes her hair 51 times each night and sings to herself in the mirror because she finds herself very attractive. She is not above acting slightly promiscuous if it means that the bachelor will give her more attention.
14. Tiana: the underdog
Tiana is a humble entrepreneur who doesn’t want to draw much attention to herself until she absolutely has to. She knows she’s hot stuff, but wants to come across as down to earth and someone who just wants to carry out her dreams. She kind of slips under the radar until there are only a few girls left, then she unleashes her inner self and becomes one of the top picks.
