In my recent years, finally coming to terms with my gender identity I've realized that even within my own community I felt like I didn't "fit," that I didn't meet what was expected of me being gender queer/androgynous/non-binary. When you think about it, that is the last thing that should have any sort of "expectations" to it, and yet I was experiencing, even more, dysphoria than what I feel being labeled as a woman. Interestingly enough, when thinking about the the stereotypical androgynous person, someone who generally is questioned for being either male or female due to their body structure, whether it is very slim and has no curves, or if they are deemed as having prominent features more associated with either gender, society has deemed this as being the 'standard' so to speak for being androgynous/gender queer/non-binary. This is not a mere observation done by myself, but it something that is constantly brought up within the community, as it ties obviously very close with one's own body image and gender expression.
It is interesting thinking back on my own dysphoria, from not being accepted in my own community as essentially "passing" for being non binary/gender queer, and just purely how ridiculous it is, which makes my plight all the more frustrating. Just because someone is on the heavier side, as I am, does not mean that they are any less the way they identify. In regards to myself I'll be the first one to admit that I'm a bigger person and have an odd body shape. I have a bigger trunk area than most, with a mid size bust, nothing real below, but thinner arms and muscular legs (thanks basketball!) to add my arsenal. In the end, I have kind of a chubby face and BAMF hair, if I do say so myself.
As I've gotten older I know I will never be the skinny person that can now feel more comfortable in their skin. I also know that assumptions such as that can be even more harmful, as body image is an issue that everyone obviously takes very personally, from their weight, to body hair, and everything else in between. When observing the intersections of being fat, queer, non binary, able bodied, DFAB (Determined Female at Birth), Caucasian, etc. it puts into perspective that from the beginning I was never going to be close to what society standards would want me to be, and honestly that is okay. Learning to accept my body for what it is, and learning what I need to do to change it to be healthier not only physically, but mentally and emotionally is going to be one of the biggest challenges I will ever face.
However, in the end, it is that privilege that I realize many people won't ever get the chance to do. There are a lot of things that can help however in getting to the point to be comfortable enough in all aspects to make the changes needed to be comfortable in one's own skin. From thrift shopping for jackets, blazers, different long skirts, button down shirts, jewelry, accessories, to learning what in your own world fits for your gender expression. Your expression is yours and yours alone, in whatever way that you shop, reuse, create, and recycle, the choice is all yours.
In the end I would never trade away my identity to fit in what society wants me to be, no matter how much dysphoria I face, because there is nothing better than facing my fears head on, curves and all.
