When we’re young, we are often asked what we want to be – who we want to be.
The answers will vary, of course, but the sentiment is the same. We’re being asked to create the version of ourselves we want to grow into. We’re essentially setting a standard to reach, a goal to strive for so we have something to base our success off of. We’re asked to create an incentive, an ideal outcome so we know when we’ve made it.
This is literally ingrained in us at what is arguably our most vulnerable state. As children, everything is possible, and not in that hard-work-pays-off king of way. There are quite literally no physical limitations to what we make up for ourselves. We haven’t even experienced the world yet, and yet we’re being asked to imagine where our place in it is.
I remember being 4 years old the first time I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. At the time, I thought I wanted to be a movie star. The version of myself I created walked red carpets and starred in blockbusters. Ideal me owned every dress in every color and wanted for nothing. I would be rich, famous, beautiful, smart and talented.
I would be all the things that 4-year-old me understood as successful. The person I was in my mind influenced the person I was in real life. Sometimes for the better, mostly for the worst.
Now, as a 20-year-old adult who considers herself well acquainted with the way life actually works, I have different aspirations. Gone are the days that I dreamed of attending premieres and winning awards. No, I didn’t want to be my generation’s Meryl Streep anymore. But I never stopped referring to what I’d created. The version of myself I’d manufactured evolved, but what she represented remained.
I was constantly comparing myself to a better, idealized version of myself. Every step I took, every decision I made, every milestone I accomplished was weighed against the steps I should be taking. The decisions I could be making and the milestones I would be reaching if I was who I wanted to be.
To many, this would seem like a harmless incentive. I mean, if it’s pushing me to be the best I can be should I not be embracing it? Shouldn’t we all be working towards living a better life? Shouldn’t everyone be ambitious?
A year ago, I would be answering ‘yes’ to all of the above.
The problem, you see, isn’t with being ambitious. There are healthy, resourceful ways to push yourself to succeed. The problem is that we have become obsessed with who we want to be, that we forget to appreciate who we already are.
We’ve created this ideal person, this version of ourselves who is palatable to everyone. This version of ourselves is everything we already are minus the things we don’t like about ourselves. Minus the things others have said they don’t like about us. We make certain parts of ourselves small so that the ‘better’ parts of us stand out.
It’s not encouragement that’s fueling us, it’s shame.
My ideal version is smarter, quieter, less argumentative, less stubborn. The ideal version of myself was accepted to a better university. The ideal version of myself didn’t lose some of the people I’ve lost. The ideal version of myself is living in New York. The ideal version of myself wouldn’t make the mistakes I’ve made. The ideal version of myself would be ashamed of the version I turned out to be.
The list goes on.
The issue with our idealized self is that, sometimes, we make sure to make them impossible. We want to keep this perfect person, this perfect person that makes you work harder, so we make sure we can’t become them. No matter how strong you already are, they’re stronger. No matter how smart you are, they’re smarter. No matter how good you are, they’ll always be better. There will always be a way in which you don’t measure up.
All of our insecurities, all of our doubts and our fears don’t exist in this ideal person. They did the things you couldn’t do. They’re living the life you wanted to live, right?
Wrong.
This isn’t to say to stop striving for improvement. There is always, always room for improvement. This is to say that the life you lead is enough. The choices you’ve made, the paths you’ve taken, the mistakes and the let-downs do not make you less-than. The person in your mind, he or she only exists because you made them – you’re in control.
If you want to compare, compare yourself today to who you were last year, or last month, or even last week. Compare what this version of you has accomplished, even if it isn’t huge. Find joy and encouragement in the way you’ve grown, not in the ways you haven’t.
Don’t just strive for your idealized self, realize that you already are your idealized self. To the past versions of you, you’re it. Don’t be afraid that the life you imagined isn’t the life you’re living. You have room and time to work towards that.
You’ll find that if you look closely, bits and pieces of what you want are already part of your reality. Don’t let yourself get in the way.
