Every once in awhile I think about you and regret the day I ever met you. The day we first spoke, the day we first locked eyes -- because honestly, that day still haunts me even now.
I think back to before I had met you and wonder, what if I had known what I know now, would I have just stayed home? Would I have just passed on wasting my time? What would have happened if I had just decided not to go? Maybe for one thing my heart would still be in one piece. Maybe I'd still feel whole and completely happy with never even knowing you. But, I guess it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be the same, that is, because you changed me. Because of you, I am no longer the same person. So, even though it hurts like hell right now and the thought of you is enough to make my stomach churn and my heart race, I'd still have to do it over again.
I'd still get up that day and meet you for the very first time --even though my life would have been a whole lot easier if I had just stayed in bed. I'd still fall for you. I'd still sit back and watch as you broke me apart piece by piece. I'd honestly have to do it all again, because if I didn't I wouldn't be who I am right now.
Loving someone like you changed me from the inside out. For instance, I am not as naive as I was before you. I now know my breaking point as well as what I deserve. I don't stress the small stuff as much anymore. I guess I got the wake up call I was well overdue. In such a small amount of time you managed to have such an impact on me, to the point where it would be fair to say that the person I am right now is completely different from the person I was prior to ever knowing you. And although the person I am right now may still have moments of weakness --where I cry over the painful memories and allow myself to feel broken-- I am still stronger than ever before. I am also happier than ever because I have learned how to accept myself and love myself, even when other people don't. I have learned that I can take care of myself and build myself up, even when someone else is actively trying to tear me down. I learned that I can adapt when something doesn't go as planned and change my course of direction. I have also figured outthe difference between giving up and simply letting go of something or someone that is hurting you.
I realize now that you were simply put in my life temporarily to impact me permanently. You were a lesson that I needed to learn. An experience I needed to go through in order to become who I am meant to become in the long run. Because of you and everything I went through with you I am who I need to be right in this moment. That alone would give me reason enough to get up that morning and do the exact same thing all over again. Even though that day we met was the beginning of a whole lot of heartbreak for me it was also the beginning of a new chapter in my journey of finding myself. It would be just as painful but it would be worth it, still. God put you in my life to act as an obstacle I had to go through and then grow from. I didn't realize it at the time but that was the point of this whole mess.
So yeah, I may regret it all sometimes. I may wonder how things would have turned out for me if I had just stayed home that day or how my life would be right now if I had never met someone like you, but I'd do it over again. The good times, the bad times, the times I was downright miserable, the times I was really, really confused --and I wouldn't change a single thing. But I wouldn't do it for you, I'd do it for me. You were a small yet crucial part of my story, thus far. Something I simply had to experience in order to become a better version of myself.
