I've been at a crossroad recently. I'm staring at one right now. By that, I mean I've literally been staring at my laptop for 15 minutes trying to figure out if and how I should write this.

To put it simply, I feel like I'm not having a good time. I was on the phone with my sister earlier this week, and while we were talking, she said something along the lines of, "College is fun, and I don't want you to miss out on that."

That sentence hit me like a brick, because I can't definitively say whether I'm having a good time or not. I might be drowning out the good moments with pessimism. I might just be taking an immature approach to life, as a whole. But either way, I feel like I'm missing something, and I don't know what.

I feel frustrated at the fact that I can be laughing in one moment, but completely distraught in the next. I start to wonder if maybe I'm just not being spiritual enough, finding that lasting joy in God like I should be. I shared how I was feeling with someone earlier this week, and they responded with, "Did something happen?"

That's the thing. I don't think anything monumental has happened. And I don't think anything has to happen in order for me, or anyone else, to feel this way.

I'm doing fine in my classes (well, two of my exams haven't been graded yet, so we'll see just how well I'm doing in a week or so). My parents just came to visit me. Spring Break is just around the corner. I'm studying the Bible with two awesome girls. The sun's been out the past few days. I'm applying and interviewing for internships I'm really excited about (though, the process of trying to sell my worth to people has been stressful, to say the least). I just feel like I should be happier, even with the negative things about life everyone has to deal with.

I don't have a big, inspiring takeaway with this one. I don't feel justified saying the usual, "it gets better," because I haven't personally experienced what I've always assumed "better" to be. I do think it's worth it to say this, though:

You don't always have to be excellent. I think our society has conditioned us to think we always have to operate at an A+, but that's not realistic. If you're sad and you don't know why, that's okay. If you're anxious and you don't know why, that's okay. I'm pretty open about my struggles with mental health, but no matter how open I am, I always find myself frustrated at not being able to pin down the why. Why do I have to struggle with it? Why don't some people understand? Why do negative symptoms come and go as they please?

And don't even get me started on the what.

What patterns am I maintaining that aren't improving my mood? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change?

This is probably more of a letter to myself than anything else, but even if you can't find peace in answers that won't show themselves, I hope you can at least find comfort in the fact that other people are feeling the same thing. I'm writing this knowing that I'm not alone in feeling exhausted, aimless, and just not good enough.

Sometimes I can only manage by simply knowing I'm not the only one.