My mental health diagnoses are not a secret, and that's my choice. However, I don't just randomly hand out that information. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's not everyone's business. For instance, I would never bring it up on a first date. I wouldn't bring it up on the second date. I avoid talking about it for as long as possible because it takes a toll on not only me, but it also affects the people who love me dearly. Having mental illnesses can make dating incredibly difficult. Dates can cause me anxiety for weeks. Heartbreak makes me lay in bed for days on end. It isn't healthy.

Guys who aren't mentally ill themselves generally don't know how to take care of someone that is at my age. If a guy is mentally ill, that means I put my health aside for them, putting my own health at risk. Guys at my age barely know how to take care of themselves, let alone a woman who has a chronic illness.

That's why I've given up for the time being.

Why waste my time on tinder and bumble when I know a 20-year-old boy is just gonna run? My mental maturity has far surpassed most people my age because of my life experiences. Unfortunately, that makes the dating pool extremely small. I don't date just for the sake of dating. If someone isn't a fit for me, I end the conversations. I have to date that way because I can't put my information and my vulnerability in the hands of someone that won't be able to support me when I do become ill. It makes matters that much more difficult.

So no, I'm not actively seeking out a relationship. I don't have the time for foolishness or heartbreak while dealing with mental illnesses. It doesn't mean that if something great gets handed in my lap I'm not going to take it. However, not seeking a relationship makes my life much easier to handle. I'm tired of the ghosting and the leading on. I want something wholesome, and until I meet a man that can live up to my expectations and support my illnesses, I'm living my independent, single life, and I'm proud of that.