I know, I know, it's a cliché. Everyone in 2019 uses the "I push everyone away" excuse, but I was using it before it got cool. My entire life I was afraid of people, relationships, and getting too close. I'm 23 and all of my old friends are getting married, getting their dream jobs, and some are even having kids. I see this and I feel happiness, jealousy, and regret. I'm happy that they're happy. I'm jealous because I wish I was doing something with my life. My regret overshadows my jealousy and happiness.
I regret pushing them away when I shouldn't have.
Anyone who grew up with me knows that I was not a happy child. I grew up being bullied by everyone, including my own family. This gave me the habit of eating my feelings which led me to be a chubby kid and that led to more bullying and that made me eat even more. I went from that adorable little chubster to that one guy who's so big, he blocks the whole hallway. I was the butt of a lot of jokes and that made me furious and even though I tried my best to keep a straight face, I was filled with bitterness. I felt alone, unloved, and unwanted. That wasn't the truth though.
Despite feeling invisible and hated, I had many close friends and relationships. My experiences in school and my friendships were pretty normal, but my insecurity and the voice in my head tormented me. I felt like there was no way these people really cared about me. I told myself that sooner or later they would betray me and even though some of them turned out to be really toxic individuals, most of them really cared about me. I tried everything to get them to resent me. I was rude, obnoxious, and sometimes I just straight up ignored them when I walked past them. I did whatever it took to push them away.
I told myself that If I pushed them away first then they couldn't hurt me.
Unfortunately, this stupid philosophy carried over into college. At this time I had lost a lot of weight and I actually started to feel comfortable in my own skin. I made some friends and even started going to house parties. Everything was going great, but once again, I had to mess it all up. The constant stress of college was getting to me and my insecurities began to resurface. I felt unloved and paranoid. I started drinking more and focusing less on my work and friendships. My friends tried getting me help, but I just wanted to self-destruct in peace. I had enough my senior year and I just pushed them all away. Actually, it wasn't just a push; it was more of a shove and a middle finger the face. When I graduated I had no friends and I felt absolutely alone.
Looking back, I wish I could've been smarter, healthier, and more respectful. There have been people who are just completely toxic and do nothing but beat on you and use you. There are also people who just disagree with you and sometimes you two just a have a fight. My problem has always differentiated the two. After so many years of being treated like utter crap, I began to see everyone as the enemy.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to stop being so sensitive and cold.
Don't just drop people as your first move. At a certain point, you are your own worst enemy. I would tell myself and everyone else who pushes everyone away, to get some thick skin and stop being so sensitive. Life is hard and most of the time people can be disappointing but don't give up on everyone. You will regret it.
Believe me.
