Trigger warning: Self-harm.
When I started college in 2016, I visited a doctor and started antidepressants for the first time. I knew I had been depressed for a while, and I wanted to take steps to try and be better. It was okay for a good amount of time, but I just felt stagnant. I wasn't better, I wasn't worse. So eventually, my doctor upped my dosage.
I wasn't stagnant anymore. I had gotten much, much worse.
The fall semester of 2017 is when this really hit. I can't contribute the entirety of my circumstances to my medication, though, because I had had falling outs with friends and the stress of balancing work, college, and a sorority. All of these things attacking me from seemingly all fronts chipped at me day by day to the point where I couldn't even leave my bed.
I was constantly riddled with anxiety. I lived with two other people and they became increasingly concerned about how I never left my bed, not even for my classes. My grades were plummeting and I felt like I was chained to my bed, suffocating. I knew I needed to go to class. I knew I had homework and projects. I cared, but I was immobilized, both physically and mentally.
When I stopped taking care of myself, I started hurting myself. I wasn't feeling anything emotionally other than pain, so I sought other outlets to try to release emotions. I still have the scars that I wish I could hide.
When I lost myself, I lost so much else. It seemed like everyone I held dear to me no longer cared like I was a burden that just brought them down too. My relationship was toxic and the constant fighting had me on edge every day, all day. I hated myself. I hated the situation I was in. I hated that I felt like I physically couldn't get better, even though I had tried. I wanted to die so, so bad.
Early into 2018, though, things started to turn around. I had quit my medication towards the end of the previous year because I felt that was best for me to get back on track. My true best friends only grew closer to me. I decided to work to improve my grades so that I could get back into good standing within my sorority and the university. I left my unhealthy long-term relationship.
My GPA was slowly climbing out of the gutter. I grew closer to women in my sorority who helped me continue to grow. I began a relationship with my best friend and fell in love. I learned what I deserved and to not settle for anything less. I became more confident as a woman and even bolder politically. I cut ties that needed to be cut. I really felt like things were finally getting better.
And they were. My GPA still isn't anything impressive by any means, but it's much better than it was when I was in the dark. I feel loved, and I'm still journeying to love myself wholly. I still struggle with my mental health, but I don't feel suffocated anymore. I finally feel like myself for the first time in over two years.
2018 was a long mess of a year, but for me, it was a year of personal growth I never thought I would even live to see this time last year. I finally find joy in being alive, and I feel like the world is at my fingertips. This new year provides even more opportunities to better myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and academically.
After years of being lost, I finally found myself. Well, I've at least scratched the surface, and that's everything to me.
