I am unbelievably bored.

Alas, the consequences of quarantine and social distancing. Although COVID-19 cases in New York alone have greatly decreased, with a zero death count in New York City on July 12th, the rest of the country is still suffering from the virus. While my family lives in New York City, this alone has convinced my parents that we must NOT leave the house at any cost. I'm against this self-imposed lockdown, due to becoming extremely restless, but I know their reasoning is justified: to prevent catching the virus since New York City is starting to slowly open up again in phases, leading to more and more people going out. It's not that they don't trust our family, but they can't trust other people. A good portion of the population has already stopped practicing proper social distancing and health safety practices due to the lowered infected and death count, creating the illusion of safety from the virus.

Of course, this has led me to download dating apps for the purpose of killing time. This isn't the best thing I should and could be doing, considering my large repertoire of hobbies, the summer classes I'm taking, and the need to make up for the lack of internships I got this summer. Not only that, but I should be studying for my Fundamentals of Engineering (FE) exam that I plan to take at the end of the fall semester. It has been a drastic move of procrastination and avoidance from my required tasks, for the most part.

If you asked me why I downloaded these apps, I couldn't answer you with a concrete response other than, "I'm bored." I'm not looking for anything. I'm not looking for boys to "talk" to or lead on. I'm not looking to date, or to feel any sort of casual fun from meeting up with new people. Even if I had wanted to meet new people or have fun, I'm not ready for commitment. I'm not ready to exert more of my energy when I can't even fulfill my normal responsibilities or know exactly what I want to do regarding my degree and career. On top of that, I already have numerous friends.

And yet I'm still bored.

Perhaps I'm trying to fill in the empty space of not being able to talk to my friends when they're too busy during the day, or maybe to replace the excitement of making new friends when I go out. I don't want a relationship, I don't want something casual, and I definitely don't want sex. What do I really want? It's a constant question that replays in my head every time I get another match and have to lightly put down another boy. I ALWAYS have to begin with saying I'm not interested in getting anything out of talking to him, and maybe a follow or friend request on Instagram and Snapchat, to add to the already dozens of conversations I already share with close friends and other acquaintances I haven't caught up with for a while due to the hecticness of classes and balancing responsibilities. If I don't do so, I will continuously feel the endless burden of guilt of possibly leading another person on, as I've been in this position countless times.

So to all the boys who have been persistent on making me change my mind, even if I have been constantly debating this topic through all of the quarantine, I'm sorry, but I don't want to date you and I don't want anything more than a new online (or in-person) friend or acquaintance.

I have to put myself first.