By no means am I worried that my writing is controversial or bad, but when I write I put my whole heart and soul into the words on the pages. I don't lie when I write. When I am mad, sad, happy, scared, or lonely it reflects in m writing and I find myself using writing as my escape from whatever my reality is at that moment. My fear of showing people that escape means it can become theirs as well as mine and that in a way defeats my purpose.
Yes, I, as a writer, want to share my work and show people who feel the same way I do that they are not alone, but to the people who don't share those feelings, I don't want them to tear away my escape. When musicians play a new song for the first time it's rough around the edges and they would never want to immediately share it with the world but after a few rough drafts and lots of studio time they release the track and even eventually an album which can speak to thousands if not millions or even billions of people. And that's the same feeling I have towards my writing, I would rather edit it 10 times over to make sure I'm sending in my best work than sit there and send in something that is lacking so much of my normal depth and passion.
I have been honing my writing skills since I was in second grade and in that time I have only let a hand full of people read any of my stories before their completions and editing. The older I get the more confident I am in my writing but the more I fear the rejection of others and the way they will destroy the paradise I have found and made for myself. I don't want someone to tell me my writing is good, I want someone to be devastated when one of the characters dies, or angry when one of the characters is being mind-numbingly stupid, and I want them to utterly consumed by my words to the point where the will finish the book in hours or days depending on their free-time. It's a very lofty goal but I hold myself to that standard and feel sub-par when my work is unedited and rough, so I rarely share it.
As crazy as that goal seems it's what I judge all books on and when someone asks me to read their work for a fictional personal story they write I hold them to that same kind of standard. Beyond all my doubts about my writing I know what I want it to be and I will one day get the courage to share it, but until then I am my toughest critic and I will spend hours writing and editing my work tearing it apart until I think it's perfect and it moves me the way I want others to be moved by it.
The few times I have shown others my work before being fully done they are entranced by the writing and are always wanting more, but it still makes me nervous because even if that part of that story is as good as I want it to be I still doubt that everyone outside of my close friends will understand what my writing truly means to me. I hope to one day be on the same path that Hemingway, King, Rowling, Lovecraft, and Austen were/ are on and follow in their footsteps of bringing emotions and escapes to peoples lives. I found my happy place in a journal and a pencil and I find m escape from reality in my imagination and I want so desperately to share it with people but I'm just not ready to give up my secret joys and passions and tragedies when I know or think they can be better and could relate to more people.
I recently shared an article I wrote with my friends and family and I got a lot of positive feedback which was great but I was sad to hear that no one really had any negatives. I put a lot of thought behind the work and did lots of detailed searches when I was writing the article but I still thought the work was rough and needed more depth or something. I wanted people to get excited and start discussions arguing about the plausible ways things could happen or even argue over the types that should be created first and really get into the article the same way I had when I was writing it which didn't happen as far as I know. I'm thankful that so many people liked and read the article but I just wish more people would get into it and send comments to me that are more than just "good job" or "great writing". How am I supposed to get better when people won't give me real feedback? I want someone who I know will be brutally honest with me and tell me where I'm lacking in my writing to really help me grow and be even better and more confident.
